Order Matters Only. . . one word Him stick with the before chased boy the that dog big had the I hit him in his eye yesterday. attacked. 1. Only I hit him in his eye yesterday. (No one else did.) 1. The boy with the big stick attacked the dog that had chased 2. I only hit him in his eye yesterday. (Did not slap him.) him before. 3. I hit only him in his eye yesterday. (I did not hit others.) 2. The big dog chased the boy that had attacked him with the 4. I hit him only in his eye yesterday. (Not outside the eye.) stick before. 5. I hit him in only his eye yesterday. (Not other organs.) 3. Before, the big boy with the stick chased the dog that had 6. I hit him in his only eye yesterday. (He has only one eye.) attacked him. 7. I hit him in his eye only yesterday. (Very recently.) 4. The boy that had chased the big dog before attacked him 8. I hit him in his eye yesterday only. (No other day.) with the stick. 5. The big dog chased the stick with the boy that had attacked him before. Dangling modifiers Adjectives Bad: Bad: Queen Elizabeth read the speech, which was handed to her by the The superintendent of the Ossining Correctional Facility found the 71-year-old Lord Hailsham, the Lord Chancellor, with the aid of community’s desire to preserve part of the prison facility amusing. half-moon glasses. Better: Better: The superintendent of the Ossining Correctional Facility found it With the aid of half-moon glasses, Queen Elizabeth read the amusing that the community wanted to preserve part of the prison. speech handed to her by. . . . Also Better: Bad: The superintendent. . . was amused by the community’s desire to We try to help clients interpret statistics with some sophistication. preserve part of the prison. Better: We try to help clients develop some sophistication in interpreting statistics.
More Adjectives Adverbs Bad: Bad: Lightweight and packable, Mom will find this comfortable, Their willingness to work constantly amazed me. flattering robe indispensable for traveling. Better: 1. I constantly marveled at their willingness to work. Better: 2. Their willing and constant labor amazed me. Lightweight and packable, this comfortable robe will delight Mom and prove indispensable for traveling. Bad: Also Better: What you do primarily determines what you are. Mom will find this lightweight, packable robe comfortable, flattering, and indispensable for traveling. Better: 1. What you primarily do determines what you are. 2. Your activities primarily determine what you are. More adverbs Tied in Nots Bad: Bad: That interest rates had declined somewhat eased my mind. All municipal bonds do not have the same rating. Better: Better: Not all municipal bonds have the same rating. 1. The slight decrease in interest rates eased my mind. Bad: 2. That interest rates had declined made me feel somewhat All forecasters do not agree that the employment figures will easier. decline. Better: Bad: Not all forecasters agree that the employment figures will decline. Writing simply is not degrading. Bad: 1. Writing is not at all degrading. All stories cannot end happily. 2. It is not degrading to write simply. Better: Not all stories can end happily.
Not always the best choice Bad: All my colleagues will not vote in the next election. Better: All my colleagues will abstain from voting in the next election. Editing Workshop: Also Better: None of my colleagues will vote in the next election. Commas Before Conjunctions Joining Clauses Between Parallel Items Before/After: Good Series: In the forties girls studied home nursing, and boys took shop. On the New York Stock Exchange yesterday the industrials were up 9.5, the transports were down 4.35, and the utilities were Before/After: unchanged. We must stop wasting our resources, or our children will face dire need. Good Series: The agency lists openings in publishing, broadcasting, advertising, Before/After: and public relations. I have now seen all Shakespeare’s major plays performed, but Hamlet remains for me the most gripping. Not a Series: The mailing went out to educators, teachers and administrators. Before/After: He never worked, for his father had left him a fortune. Not a Series: In this study of power plants, coal-fired systems and nuclear facilities compare unfavorably with hydroelectric operations.
Around Parenthetical Elements Nonrestrictive Modifiers Before/After: Compare The current five-year expansion program, culminating in 1. Executives who never take advice are pigheaded. approximately 100 building materials supermarts by the end of 2. Executives, who never take advice, are pigheaded. fiscal year 2010, is continuing on schedule. Before/After: Compare The expertise a ff orded by the exceptionally well qualified sta ff , 1. The spectators horrified by the gory scene left immediately. along with the dedicated leadership, promises a continuation of the 2. The spectators, horrified by the gory scene, left immediately. division’s highly successful record. Compare 1. A mother willing to sacrifice her baby for a good cause is a rarity. 2. A mother, willing to sacrifice her baby for a good cause, is a rarity.
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