I am proud of you! Practical solution ‐ focused communication tools for parents, teachers and others who raise children
The Five Sessions: 1. Praising children 2. Influencing children 3. Pulling in the same direction with the other adults involved in raising the same child 4. Helping children overcome problems and difficulties 5. Responding to wrongdoings and transgressions
First Session Praising children
Introduction • What is your name? • How many children do you have? • What are their names and ages? • What are you good at as a parent? – What would your children say? – What would your partner say? • What would you want to become better at as a parent?
The Triple ‐ triple praise
The Triple ‐ triple praise • Ask around
The Triple ‐ triple praise • Ask around • Report a success Report a success •
The Triple ‐ triple praise • Ask around • Report a success Report a success • • Others respond with a Triple
The Triple ‐ triple praise • Ask around • Report a success Report a success • • Others respond with a Triple 1. Exclamation of wonder
The Triple ‐ triple praise • Ask around • Report a success Report a success • • Others respond with a Triple 1. Exclamation of wonder 2. Declaration of difficulty
The Triple ‐ triple praise • Ask around • Report a success Report a success • • Others respond with a Triple 1. Exclamation of wonder 2. Declaration of difficulty 3. Request for an explanation
The Triple ‐ triple praise • Ask around • Report a success Report a success • • Others respond with a Triple 1. Exclamation of wonder 2. Declaration of difficulty 3. Request for an explanation Acknowledge someone else • Acknowledge someone else •
The Triple ‐ triple praise • Ask around • Report a success Report a success • • Others respond with a Triple 1. Exclamation of wonder 2. Declaration of difficulty 3. Request for an explanation Acknowledge someone else • Acknowledge someone else • • Return the credit
The Triple ‐ triple praise • Ask around • Report a success Report a success • • Others respond with a Triple 1. Exclamation of wonder 2. Declaration of difficulty 3. Request for an explanation Acknowledge someone else • Acknowledge someone else • • Return the credit Smile and look happy • Smile and look happy •
Assignment 1: The Triple • Pay attention to something your child does right or well • Point it out to him 1. Exclamation of wonder – Well done! 2. Declaration of difficulty – Not easy at all! 3. Request for an explanation – How did you do it? • Conclude with: ”Who helped you?”
Assignment 2: Praise signal • Invent a secret sign for your family that will allow you to praise each others without words • It can be a gesture, facial expression or even a code word • The message is: ”I noticed that you did right” ”Well done” ”You remembered!” ”Good idea!”
Assignment 3: Gossip praise • Praise your child (or your partner) to someone else while they overhear you • Praise your child to someone else and tell about it to them afterwards • Tell your child or your partner, that someone else has praised them to you • Tell your child that you will (or would want to) praise them for someone else
Second Session Influencing children
Whinge hand
Always Thumb
Never Always All the time Not again!
Fault Finger
Description Example Demonstration Documentation
Consequenses
Suffering Illness Danger Pain Consequences
Cause Finger
Don’t you understand? Do you have to? What is it with you? Are you out of your mind? You are just like your father! What have I done wrong?
Deaf Finger
You never listen! I have told you at least a hundred times... How many times do I have to tell you? Do you have wax in your ears?
Consequences Finger Fault Finger Cause Finger Always Finger Deaf Finger
Wish Hand
Contact Finger
• a
Request finger
From don’t to do Don’t... ...do this instead • ...run • Walk • ...pick your nose • Use handkerchief • ...interrupt • Wait for your turn • ...hit others • Tell an adult if you get angry • ...take things from others • Ask for permission • ...beg • Ask kindly • ...play with your food • Eat nicely • ...be late • Be there in time • ...talk rudely • Speak nicely
Benefits Finger
Parents Others in the family Friends Reputation Health Hobbies School
Confidence Finger
Agreement Finger
a How do you want to be reminded if you sometimes forget?
Benefits Request Confidence Agreement Contact
Assignment 1: Wish Hand • Try the Wish Hand at home with your child or your partner • Team up with another person in your group and make an agreement to help each other use the Wish hand to deal with a real situation at home or somewhere else in your life where you have a need to tell someone about their behaviour.
Assignment 2: Consulting • Think about something that you feel that you need to tell your child or your partner repeatedly or constantly • Explain that you need to tell them about this particular thing but that you don’t want to do it in an annoying manner. • Ask them to tell you how they want you to tell them about the thing in a good way.
Third Session Pulling in the same direction
Two adults talking about a child B A C D
Two adults talking about a child • Decide who is A, who B, who C and who D on the first round • A is the partner to whom B, C and D jointly complain about some problem with the child • B brings up a concern with the child • C tries to make A understand how serious the problem is • D explains that the problem is A’s fault • Repeat 4 times so that each one gets to be A
Two adults talking about a child • Decide who is A, who B, who C and who D on the first round • A is the partner to whom B, C and D jointly want to talk about some problem with the child • B brings up a concern with the child (as before) • C raises hope • D asks A what he or she thinks could be done about the concern • Repeat 4 times so everyone gets to be A
Taking criticism • B C D do the same as in the first version of the previous exercise • A is proactive this time – Show that you are interested to listen to B – Ask C if he thinks the problem is serious – Try to get D to tell you what he would want you to do about the matter and what he has thought should be done about the matter
Assignment 1 • Talk with your partner about a child related issues like this: 1. Tell them what you are worried about 2. Tell them how you’d like the thing to be instead 3. Ask them what they suggest to do about it 4. Tell them what you have thought you could do about it 5. Negotiate an agreement with them about what to do about it
Assignment 2 Praise your partner • In your way of being a parent I particularly appreciate… • Our child has this wonderful trait which I think he/she has picked up from you • You are a good mother/father/carer, because… • I don’t know where I would be without you because you are so good with… • This thing has been better lately thanks to your….
Fourth Session Helping children overcome problems and difficulties
What skill to learn to overcome the problem?
Name
Benefits
Supporters
Power creature or hero
Celebration
Practicing
Reminding
Homework 1 Try Kids’ Skills with a child • Find a child to try Kids’ Skills with • Coach the child in deciding a skill to learn and then help the child to make a plan to learn the skill based on the steps fo Kids’ Skills
Homework 2 Reminding • Think about a person in your family you often need to remind of something he should remember • Tell him that you understand thay you need to remind him and explain you don’t want to do it in a way that is irritating for him or is ineffective • Ask him to tell you what would be a better and more effective way of reminding him.
Fifth Session Responding to unacceptable and inappropriate behavior
The steps of responsibility Response ability Promising Making up Apologizing Understanding Admitting
Admitting
Understanding
Apologzing
Making up
Promising
Caring for others too
Assingment • Try the Sorry letter ‐ Find it at www.kidsskills.org • Or try the Apologyletter program at www.apolyletter.org
Suggestions • Kids’ Skills website www.kidsskills.org • The Kids’ Skills Online program www.kidsskillsonline.com • Steps of Responsibility www.kidsskills.org • The book Kids’ Skills in Action, StLukes, 2010. • Kids’ Skills Workbook for Children • Solution stories – online picture books for children and parents: “ Dan did wrong” “Nigel’s nightmare” and “Linda tames her Tiger”
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