Building Resiliency in our Children Beth Hayes, D.C.S., C. Psych. Assoc Susan Wood, M.A., C. Psych. October 18, 2014 Educating for Success!
Goals of presentation What is resiliency? Why is resiliency important to develop in children? Research-based factors associated with developing resilient mindset in children/adolescents. These concepts are not new and for the most part are things parents are already doing. However, there are times when we run into difficult situations and are looking for new or additional strategies. • Resources Educating for Success!
Resiliency Factors • Temperament • Empathy • Communication • Strong Relationships • Rewriting the script • Competence • Learning from Mistakes • Helping others • Problem-Solving • Self-Discipline and Self-Worth • Optimism Educating for Success!
What is Resiliency ? Resilience may be understood as the capacity of a child to deal effectively with stress and pressure, to cope with everyday challenges, to rebound from disappointments, mistakes, trauma, and adversity, to develop clear and realistic goals, to solve problems, to interact comfortably with others, and to treat oneself and others with respect and dignity (Brooks & Goldstein, 2001) Educating for Success!
Educating for Success!
Why is Resiliency Important to Develop in Children? • All children face challenge and stress in the course of their development • Essential for preparing children for success and satisfaction in their future lives • Nurturing resilience should be a vital ingredient in the process of parenting every child whether that child has been burdened by adversity or not Educating for Success!
Educating for Success!
Dreams and Expectations Think back to a time B.C. (Before Children) or (Before Chaos) Thoughts, feelings, concerns? What kind of parent did you envision being? Educating for Success!
Temperament Research indicates that children are born with a set of temperamental traits which affect the way their personalities develop. We need to understand our children’s unique temperamental traits in order to help them develop a resilient mindset. Educating for Success!
Temperament • Early ideas/teachings about temperament assumed that all babies were the same • Later research (Dr. Stella Chess and Alexander Thomas) revealed 3 distinct temperaments in infants 1. The Easy Child 2. The Slow-to-Warm-Up Child 3. The Difficult Child Educating for Success!
9 Temperamental Traits More recent research has identified 9 different traits as referenced in ‘See Kids can Cope’ booklet 1. Activity Level 2. Distraction 3. Intensity 4. Regularity 5. Approach/Withdrawal 6. Sensitivity 7. Adaptability 8. Persistence 9. Mood Educating for Success!
Temperament • Temperament + Parental expectations/style = match • Temperament + Parental expectations/style = mismatch Educating for Success!
Strong Relationships • Crucial that child has a strong relationship with at least one caring adult • Be aware of opportunities to connect • Schedule special time with individual children that you both enjoy • Don’t miss significant occasions • Enjoy your children at all ages and stages Educating for Success!
Teaching and Conveying Empathy • Walk a mile in their shoes • Defined as: “the ability to identify with or vicariously experience the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of others” Educating for Success!
Guidelines to becoming an empathic parent 1. Begin with Empathy: the foundation for effective communication -not to be confused with giving in, spoiling your child, or being indecisive 2. Let experience be your guide: -Think of some experiences from your own childhood -e.g., what was your best memory of time spent with your mother; father Educating for Success!
Communication 8 Steps to improve communication 1. Become an active listener 2. Reflect: “Is this what your saying” 3. Do unto others 4. Use non-judgemental and non-accusatory language 5. Communicate clearly and briefly 6. Serve as a model 7. Make humour part of your communication 8. Use ‘how’ questions and avoid ‘why’ questions Educating for Success!
Communication Do our messages build our children up or do they “chip away at them”? Educating for Success!
Changing the Words (rewriting the script) • Well-meaning parents have been known to apply the same approach with their children for weeks months, or years even when the approach has proven ineffective • One size does not fit all • If not working, parents must change their ‘script’ if their children are to change theirs Educating for Success!
Nurturing Islands of Competence • Children need to feel that they are skilled in at least one or two areas that are valued by them and others • Importance of play in developing curiosity and interests • When children discover their island of competence, they are more willing to confront those areas that have been problematic for them Educating for Success!
Mistakes are Experience to Learn From • Resilient children tend to perceive mistakes as opportunities for learning • Parents serve as significant role models for handling mistakes • Parents can use their children’s mistakes as teachable moments • Parents must have realistic expectations for their children and not set the bar too high or too low Educating for Success!
Developing Responsibility, Compassion, and a Social Conscience • Involvement in tasks that involve helping others reinforces several key characteristics of a resilient mindset including empathy, a sense of satisfaction in the positive impact of one’s behaviours, a more confident outlook as islands of competence are displayed, and the use of problem-solving skills • This can include ‘we need your help’ rather than ‘remember to do your chores’ Educating for Success!
Making Decisions and Problem-Solving • Resilient children are able to articulate problems, consider different solutions, attempt what they judge to be the most appropriate solution and learn from the outcome • Important for parents to encourage children to consider different possible solutions • Provide choices at an early age • What to do if it doesn’t work Educating for Success!
Self-Discipline and Self-Worth Two major goals of effective discipline are (a) to ensure a safe and secure environment in which children understand and can define rules, limits, and consequences, and (b) to reinforce self-displine and self-control so that children incorporate these rules and apply them even when parents are not present Key principles -Practice prevention Educating for Success!
- Work as a team -Be consistent, not rigid -Select one’s battleground carefully -Rely when possible on natural and logical consequences -Positive feedback and encouragement are more powerful forms of discipline Educating for Success!
Hope and Optimism • Optimistic thinking can help children approach their lives and their problems with a positive attitude. • It also gives them faith and courage to persist in the face of challenges • Parents can challenge negative thoughts (gently) • Show them a more positive view • Model optimistic thinking Educating for Success!
Resiliency for parents Resiliency is important for parents too. How? • Supportive relationships • Emotional skills • Competence • Optimism • Don’t be afraid to ask for help Educating for Success!
Educating for Success!
Educating for Success!
Resources Books by Robert Brooks and Sam Goldstein: *Nurturing in Our Children: Answers to the Most Important Parenting Questions (2003) *Raising Resilient Children (2002) *Raising a Self-Discipline Child: Help Your Child Become More Responsible, Confident, and Resilient (2007) Educating for Success!
Resources www.psychologyfoundation.org Kids Can Cope: Parenting Resilient Children at Home and at School www.kidshavestresstoo.org www.aboutkidshealth.ca 10 Tips for Raising Resilient Kids by Margarita Tartakovsky (Handout) Educating for Success!
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