What do our HSHS students worry about? *Parents ….. Arguing Parents don’t understand the stress of school “Do my parents approve of what I do, how I do it?” “They see me as a future ______, and I don’t want to be that.”
What do HSHS students worry about? (Cont.) *School….. Homework/lots of work No sleep Teachers Peer pressure Grades Too much to do Trying to fit in Can’t get everything done Being embarrassed Fear of failure Friendships/Friendships that don’t work out Must be perfect
What do HSHS students worry about? (Cont.) *Self-Image….. I don’t like what I see Weight Fear of failure Need to please everyone Being confused – if I don’t understand something but others do Fear that family/friends don’t really like me Pressure to be perfect
What do HSHS students worry about? (Cont.) *College……… I don’t know where I want to go and everyone else does. I feel like I must attend the “perfect” school Debt *Work….. Too many hours Must be perfect – no mistakes
So when our kids worry, and become anxious, how does it look?
In a 2013 survey of college counseling centers, 95 percent said the number of students with significant psychological problems is a growing concern on their campuses. Seventy percent said the number of students on their campuses with severe psychological problems has increased in the past year. Also in 2013 the American College Health Association surveyed close to 100,000 college students, from 153 college campuses. When asked about their experiences over the last 12 months…. 84.3 % felt overwhelmed by all they had to do 79.1 % felt exhausted (not from physical activity) 60.5 % felt very sad 57.0 % felt very lonely 51.3 % felt overwhelming anxiety 46.5 % felt things were hopeless 38.3 % felt overwhelming anger 31.8 % felt so depressed it was difficult to function 8.0 % seriously considered suicide 6.5 % intentionally cut or injured themselves From How To Raise An Adult, Julie Lythcott-Haims
Child Anxiety https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VbxjsO9IYI
How did this happen? What has contributed to our teenagers and young adults being more anxious? Experts feel there are multiple reasons including: • Escalating pressures in high school • Students are accustomed to extreme parental oversight and many have not developed life skills. • Social media – students see posts about everyone else’s fabulous experiences, and the inevitable comparisons erode self esteem. Also, there is an element of anonymity to online posts so mean, disparaging comments can be made about others with few consequences.
So, how do we help our anxious kids? There is a short term answer….. AND A long term answer……
What do I do to help my child deal with an immediate anxiety producing issue? • Listen – give undivided attention Help him/her explore their own solutions to the problem. • Help your child process his/her negative thoughts. Dr. Daniel Amen, psychiatrist, has developed a process for identifying and killing ANTS (Automatic Negative Thoughts)
Dr. Amen recommends the following way to overcome ANTS (automatic negative thoughts): Identify the ANT: “No one will ever want to date me” Identify the species of the ANT: #1 All or nothing thinking – black and white thinking….no gray areas #2 “Always” thinking – using words like always, never, no one, everyone,every time #3 Focusing on the negative – seeing only bad, ignoring the good things that occur #4 Fortune telling – predicting worst possible outcome to situation #5 Mind reading – believing you know what another person is thinking #6 Thinking with your feelings-not questioning your feelings even when there is no evidence to support them #7 Guilt beatings – thinking with words like should, must, ought and have to #8 Labeling – calling yourself or someone else a derogatory name which diminishes your ability to see situations clearly #9 Blaming – when you don’t take responsibility for your actions; you lose power to make changes Kill the ANT: I’m using “always” thinking. This really isn’t true. I can meet new people if I put myself in new social situations. Write down the ANT , the species (faulty thinking) and then kill it (challenge it) by writing down a more realistic version of the same thought.
• Help your child think of ways to manage stress (exercise, music, journaling etc.) There are apps that help with anxiety. • You should seek professional help if anxiety persists, makes daily activities difficult or if there are concerns about depression.
In the long term, how do I help my child build resilience, and reduce stress/anxiety in their lives? ( Overloaded and Underprepared, Denise Pope, Maureen Brown and Sarah Miles) * Make sure your child gets enough sleep. Sleep deprivation impairs concentration, memory, and the ability to read emotional cues. It makes kids crabby and less able to learn. * I will remember that I am a parent, not a CEO. Don’t catastrophize…..an occasional “B” or “C” will not ruin your child’s future. You won’t see the final fruits of your parenting until your child is grown and gone.
• I will remember that success is a squiggle…not a straight line. Most of us encounter a multitude of twists, turns, directions changes and stops on the way to our goals. • I will love the child in front of me. Appreciate and be thankful for your child’s unique gifts. They are talented in so many ways. • I will not push my child to be perfect. Perfectionism is the strongest predictor of clinical depression. We all make mistakes. Kids need to be able to feel happiness and gratitude in the face of imperfection.
• I will not do for my child what he can do for himself. This kills motivation and innovation. • I will not do for my child what she can almost do for herself. Let her experience being “in flow”. • I will not confuse my needs with my child’s needs. This is the most harmful form of overparenting. • I will honor the importance of PDF (Playtime, Downtime and Family Time) Don’t overschedule. Kids need time to play, daydream or just hang out.
• I will value my own (adult) life. If I am happy and fulfilled, I serve as a role model for my child. I teach through example that being independent and self sufficient is a wonderful thing. If I take care of myself, I will then have the energy and resources to give to others.
Five Reasons Teens Are More Stressed Than Adults https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Scot0rJGtUA
Resources Amen, Daniel MD. “2 of the Most Important Ways to Beat Depression” http://mentalhealth.about.com Anxiety and Depression Association of America. “Mobile Apps” www.adaa.org/finding-help/mobile-apps. Ginsburg, Kenneth MD. Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Kids Roots and Wings (Elk Grove, IL: American Academy of Pediatrics, 2006). Harvard Graduate School of Education. “Turning the Tide: Inspiring Concern for Others and the Common Good through College Admissions” Making Caring Common Project, 2015. Heffernan, Lisa and Jennifer Wallace. “To Get Into College, Harvard report Advocates for kindness instead of overachieving” The Washington Post, January 20, 2016. Hoffman, Jan. “Anxious Students Strain College Mental Health Centers”, New York Times, May 27, 2015.
Resources, cont. Lahey, Jessica. The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed (New York: Harper Collins Publishers, 2015). Levine, Madeline PhD. The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids (New York: Harper Collins Publishers, 2006). Lukianoff, Greg and Jonathan Haidt. “The Coddling of the American Mind” The Atlantic, September 2015. Lythcott-Haims, Julie. How To Raise An Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success (New York: Henry Holt and Co., 2015). Pope, Denise and Maureen Brown and Sarah Miles. Overloaded and Underprepared Strategies for Stronger Schools and Healthy Successful Kids (San Francisco, CA: Josie-Bass, 2015). Pruitt, David MD. Your Adolescent: Emotional, Behavioral and Cognitive Development From Early Adolescence Through the Teen Years (Quill, 1999)
Resources, cont. Setzer, Nicole PhD and Amanda Salzhauer, NYU Child Study Center. “Understanding School Refusal”, School Nurse News, September 2001. Thapar, Anita, Stephen Collishaw DPhil., Daniel Pine MD, Ajay Thapar PhD. “Depression in Adolescence”, Lancet, Nov. 3, 2012 Weissbourd, Richard. The Parents We Mean To Be (New York: Mariner Books, 2009).
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