CONFLICT SOLUTIONS PRESENTS: CRISIS COMMUNICATIONS Presented to POLICE VICTIM SERVICES OF BC
DEFINING CONFLICT • A state of tension due to an incompatibility of intention; • A state of opposition between people, ideas or interests; • An expressed struggle between at least two independent parties, who perceive incompatible goals, scarce rewards and interference from the other party in achieving their goals.
PERCEPTIONS • Is anyone here a bad driver? • Why is it then, if there are so few bad drivers around, why are there so many boneheads on our roads? 03/02/97 • What date is this:
FIND THE HIDDEN MESSAGE
THOSE OF US WHO FOCUS ON FAIRNESS ISSUES TOO OFTEN EFFECT AGREEMENT BY GIVING IN INSTEAD OF FIRST USING OUR POWERS OF PERSUASION TO AFFECT A FAIR OUTCOME THAT WILL FULLY SATISFY ALL OF OUR LEGITIMATE INTERESTS.
PERCEPTIONS • There is huge value in doubting your perceptions. • I do not see things as they are. I see things as I see them, and that does not mean that is the way they are. • Provisional communication versus absolute communication. • “As I see it”, or “in my opinion”.
A FINAL WORD ABOUT PERCEPTIONS • In almost every case, there is more than one right answer. • At what point is a bedroom messy? • How many minutes makes a person late? • Should dogs be allowed to sleep on the bed? • Does the sun rise in the east and set in the west?
COMPONENTS OF THE CONFLICT • The ISSUE is the basis for the conflict. • The POSITION is the stance you and the other person take respecting a particular issue or point of discussion. • The INTERESTS are the reasons or motivations a person holds that drives their behavior or supports their position. • Positional engagement or “opposite”?
INTERESTS ARE DEFINED AS: • Concerns, Hopes, Expectations, Assumptions, Perceptions, Beliefs, Fears, Values and Needs. • Example of the road dispute. • Interests are uncovered by the application of the questions “why?” “why not?” and “what else?”.
“WHY” SUCH A BIG DEAL? • For some “Why?” = Personal challenge. • The “Why” question can be the most powerfully constructive or powerfully destructive word in our language. • It represents an opportunity to bring clarity to those we interact with.
WHAT ABOUT THE “WHAT”? • While “Why” is an outstanding tool for identifying the interest, it may be past focussed. • Once we ask the “why” question” there may be value in applying the “what” question to look to the future. • The child’s report card is a good example. “How can I help you do better”
PROFESSIONALISM • Your professionalism is your power. • You become more professional as they become more difficult. • Professional Language vs: Natural Language • Your “Professional Face”
TONE; YOUR BEST FRIEND OR WORST ENEMY • TONE is the most powerful word in the English language. Tone equals attitude and attitude is the words THEY add to what YOU say. • EMPHASIS is the other aspect of communication that gets us in trouble. • “I never said you weren’t good at your job”. • Verbal Judo concept
WORDS, TONE AND BODY LANGUAGE Words 10 50 Body Tone Language 40
EASY OR EFFECTIVE? • E-Mail = 10% effectiveness • Texting = 10% effectiveness • Letters = 10% effectiveness • Telephone = 60% effectiveness • In person = 100% effectiveness
MANAGING YOUR OWN EMOTIONS • Anger is the most misunderstood and overused of the human emotions. • Anger is a response to an inner emotion and not a planned action. • Feelings that underlie that anger tend to make us feel disempowered and anger helps us feel empowered.
MANAGING YOUR OWN EMOTIONS continued • Many people use anger as the default emotion; regardless of the emotion, we label it anger. • It is safe to tell people we are angry. • Do men and women experience or express anger differently?
MANAGING OUR ANGER • Emotions a re powe rful be c a us e we ofte n tre a t e motions a s the truth. • Whe n we fe e l dis re s pe c te d, we a s s ume it wa s the ir inte ntion to dis re s pe ct us . (hurt, s lighte d) • Our thinking be c ome s a utoma tic a nd we a re n’t a wa re tha t our c onc lus ions a re me re ly our a s s umption.
HOT BUTTONS EXERCISE • Your task in this exercise is to identify your primary HOT BUTTON. • You have the entire universe from which to select your trigger of what drives you crazy. • We will be asked to share your findings with the group in a moment.
MANAGING STRONG EMOTIONS IN OTHERS • Typically, we take highly unproductive approaches when trying to manage strong emotions in others. • INTENT VS: IMPACT • APPROACH #1: Minimize • APPROACH #2: Maximize • APPROACH #3: Bypass • APPROACH #4: Problem Solve
INTENT VERSUS IMPACT • Every conversation contains 2 components or levels; the words we use and interpretation we apply. • Our words are “explicit” however the interpretation of each side is “implicit” for each individual. • The gap between intentions and perceptions
“WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY THAT?” • Seldom do we stop the conversation and ask for clarification from the other side. • “You just said…What did you mean?” • We want the conversation to move forward, not backward and “analysis” tends to bog down dialogue.
ARE WE NEGATIVE BY NATURE? • Positive words versus negative words. • In a recent study, linguistics expert Robert Schrauf studied 37 languages from around the world. • He discovered there are 7 words that related to emotions that were common to all languages.
ALMOST ALL NEGATIVE • The 7 words common to all languages were: – Joy – Fear – Anger – Sadness – Disgust – Shame – Guilt
TELL YOURSELF A STORY • In our day-to-day activities, our experiences follow this pattern: • EVENT … TELL A STORY … FEEL … ACT • Most often, we tell ourselves negative stories about others. • Two Standards for judging human behavior.
TELL YOURSELF A STORY • When we consider our own actions, we see and understand the motivations behind our actions, yet we don’t extend that same courtesy to others. • Within this conversation, we make incorrect assumptions about the other person’s intentions. • This is called the “intention invention”.
HOW DO WE FIX THE PROBLEM? • The solution lies in telling ourselves more complete stories about why people do what they do and say what they say. Check your assumptions before acting. • Instead of asking yourself “What’s the matter with this person”, it may be prudent to ask yourself “What else might be going on here?” • “What am I missing?”
I SEE YOUR POINT • In conflict, always try to acknowledge the point the other person makes. • One of the most basic human needs. • Important to add some “substance” to this statement; some reference to what their point actually is.
NICE, BUT… • Connecting word versus cancelling word. • “But” sets up an adversarial relationship. • “But” is the great eraser. • “But” often precedes a negative message. • Use “And” to cover your “But”.
THREE LEVELS OF CONVERSATIONS • The INFORMATION LEVEL conversation: • The EMOTIONAL LEVEL conversation: • The IDENTITY LEVEL conversation: • Hotel room dispute with angry mom
ARE WE EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATORS??? • Many of us have a misguided understanding of what “effective communication” really means. • This exercise will give us a deeper understanding of how effective we are in our present communication style. • BUYER AND SELLER ACTIVITY.
OUR DEFAULT BEHAVIOR • Fair and equal exchange of information? • 100% 95% 90% Less? • Advocacy?? • Inquiry??
THE HOSPITAL EXAMPLE • The Organ Procurement Team Team 1 experienced a 15% success rate versus Team 2 experienced a 70% success rate.
PARAPHRASING • Listening, then restating in your words what you believe they said. • Let’s them know you heard and understood what they told you. • You make them a good listener. • Allows for amplification, elimination of assumptions and to “let it go”.
PARAPHRASING continued • You do not have to get the message right. • The value arises from the effort and not from the accuracy. • If you paraphrase incorrectly, they will tell you which adds further clarity. • When paraphrasing, use similar words but fewer in number. Paraphrase or “opposite”?
LABELING EMOTIONS • Listen, then restate to the other person the emotion you believe they are experiencing. • Never allow an emotion to pass without labeling it. • You don’t have to get it right.
LABELING EMOTIONS continued • Labeling emotion default: “Upset” • Labeling emotion “No-No” “Feel” • Differences between Loud and Quiet emotions
THE SKILL OF DEFUSING • Many different people use many different strategies. • “Calm down” and “You had better relax” • Other terms to avoid: – “Chill out” – “Simmer down” – “Take a valium” – “Let it go” – “Are you through yet” – “What’s your problem” – “Whatever”
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