Winning Co-operation with Effective Communication Dr. Allison Rees Lifeseminars.com
Who are you parenting? • Temperament? • What are their personal triggers? • What are their strengths? • What are their challenges? • What kind of approach works best with this child?
Be a Basket Case Authority Neutral Let it go time Ignore discussion A B C
Kid Issue • The child is old enough • The child has been taught • It doesn’t involve safety • It won’t have devastating consequences • It doesn’t really affect anyone else Are you getting in the way of your child’s learning?
Family Issues: - Represent the neutral area of the house - Keep people safe - Respect privacy and individual rights Are you maintaining boundaries and limits that really matter?
Micro- managing …. Nagging Blame Labels Gushy Praise I don’t like your Criticism behaviour right now! Self- esteem Talking too Evaluative Feedback much…… Moralizing Lecturing Gunny-sacking Demands
Jump Into the Circle 1 2 Feelings Observation 4 3 Request Needs Values Important
Observation • What do you see or hear • Detach evaluations from character • Articulate the observable behaviour • Stop blame
Feelings • Feelings are useful messages that point to what matters to us. • Negative feelings point to frustrated needs. • Children are lustful and have problems identifying their feelings. • We need to be a child’s surrogate, pre -frontal lobe. • Reflecting and expressing feelings increases moral development, emotional and mental health and respect.
Personal Needs • achievement, accomplishment, autonomy, choices, comfort, contribution, creativity, dreams, emotional safety, freedom, goals, growth, integrity, justice, learning, meaning, order, peace and quiet, physical safety, play, privacy, self- worth, sense of self, time alone…..
Needs in Relationships • acceptance, affection, appreciation, closeness, community, company, consideration, distance, empathy, equality, fairness, honesty, inclusion, love, support, reassurance, respect, trust, understanding, warmth……
Needs • What really matters to you? • What really matters to your child? • Kid Issue? • Personal Issue? • Family Issue?
Requests Not demands What we do: - What - Requests - We - Family Value, Needs - Do – Golden Rule Family issues – the social order
Jump Into the Circle 1 2 It’s 5:00 I Expected you Worried Home at 4:00 4 3 Need: A specific “do” Safety
Basket B -The Process 1. Define the Issue 2. What are each person’s needs? 3. Brainstorm 4. Evaluate proposals and chose a plan 5. Follow through, take action, follow up
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