Unlocking the Secret Language of Your Teenager Kristi Thrailkill, LCSW-C
A Bit About Me • www.baltimorefamilytherapy.com • kristi@baltimorefamilytherapy.com
Parent trainings focus on a much younger population of children, And the FIRST TIME parent. WHY DO YOU THINK THIS IS?
OBJECTIVES: LEARN TO CONNECT WITH YOUR TEEN BY: Communicating POSITIVELY Encouraging & Engaging Managing Conflict Becoming a Team
Who are the active players in your child’s life?
SCHOOL: Teachers, Nurse, Guidance Counselor, Administration COMMUNITY: PCP, Psychotherapist, Psychiatrist
PARENTS MATTER! YOUR RELATIONSHIP MATTERS! The Journal of the American Medical Association states: “…parent connectedness is the single healthiest force in the lives of U.S. teenagers.”
PARENTING STYLES *Authoritarian *Authoritative (Positive) *Permissive * Uninvolved
12 Ways to Become a More Authoritative Parent: https://www.verywell.com/ways-to-become-a-more-authoritative-parent-4136329 1. Listen 2. Validate 3. Consider Your Child’s Feelings 4. Establish Clear Rules 5. Offer One Warning for Minor Issues 6. Use Consequences that Teach Life Lessons 7. Offer Incentives 8. Let Your Child Make Some Choices 9. Balance Freedom with Responsibility 10.Turn Mistakes Into Learning Opportunities 11.Encourage Self-Discipline 12. Maintain a Healthy Relationship With Your Child
RESEARCH SAYS: Teens raised by Authoritative (POSITIVE) parents: ■ Do better in school ■ Have lower rates of depression and anxiety ■ Are less likely to engage in risky behavior ■ Have stronger social skills ■ Are more respectful of au thority “It’s not my place to control how you think or feel, but I am responsible for keeping you safe and expecting you to behave appropriately.”
Any Examples of Positive Parenting You’d Like to Share?
Rules are Rules! Until they aren’t anymore… • Firm Rules Is health or safety at risk? Be stubborn! • Flexible Rules Are values not compromised? Is health or safety NOT at risk? Resist the urge to be stubborn! STOP SAYING, “Because I said so!”
YOUR PRESENCE MAY NOT BE REQUESTED, BUT IT IS REQUIRED Possible times to be PRESENT with your teen: ■ Before school, in the morning ■ Slow down, have breakfast together ■ When they arrive home from school ■ Dinner ■ NO TV ■ NO CELL PHONES ■ Bedtime ■ It’s okay to occasionally think outside of the box. Do something different. Surprise your teen with YOURSELF.
Know All of the W’s Be involved: ■ Know WHO they hang out with ■ Know WHAT they’re doing ■ Know WHERE they are ■ Know WHEN they’ll be home Approaches — -> Your teens view of you: Nagging — -> Annoying Hands-Off — - > Cold, Distant, but “Cool.” Asking, Learning, Knowing — -> Caring, Concerned, Loving ■ Make this a norm — SIMPLIFY. EXPLAIN. UNDERSTAND. ■ GET TO KNOW THEIR FRIENDS & THEIR FRIEND’S FAMILIES
When Life Gives Your Teen a Lemon… Become an ally, and make “LEMONADE” PLAN AHEAD! Give your teens permission to use you as an excuse ■ when they’re in over their head. Have a plan for how teens can bail out of unsafe ■ situations, talk about this with your teen NOW! Have a Family Code Phrase, like “Lemonade” – it means – “Get me out of this situation NOW!” No questions asked!
How do you show your child that you are allies?
The 5 Love Languages SPEAK THEIR LANGUAGE. ASK THEM TO SPEAK YOURS! www.5lovelanguages.com
Tips for Conflict: Avoid “power struggles.” ■ Focus on the important issues of health and safety. ■ Model the language and tone of voice you expect from your teen. ■ Stay calm and remember you are in charge - you are the adult ■ Avoid conflicts when you are rushing or super busy ■ Be realistic about how your teen behaves. ■ They are NOT adults. ■ Find a common ground, and say YES sometimes. ■ LAUGH. ■
When your children were younger, did you properly predict who your teen would become? How has your prediction been right? How has it been wrong?
“What if my teen won’t talk to me?” Becoming more private and keeping thoughts and feelings to themselves is common in adolescence, especially for boys. ■ Find regular times to be together -just you and your teen ■ Don’t interrupt - Listen. ■ Be available by stating, “You can always talk to me when you’re ready.” BE THERE WHEN THEY ARE READY TO TALK!! No “In a minute,” or “Can we talk later?” It may seem extreme, but drop EVERYTHING when they are opening that door. Talk to them THEN. Don’t miss an opportunity to connect. Those moments are fleeting.
Finding a Therapist ■ Who’s the best for your teen and family? ■ RESEARCH! ■ www.psychologytoday.com ■ Interview! ■ Specialties ■ Modes of Practice ■ Psychoanayltic, Cognitive Behavior Therapy, etc? ■ How is confidentiality regulated with parents? ■ What will a typical session look like? ■ Any other questions that are catered to your specific needs. ■ A picture is worth $1,000 words ■ Insurance vs Self-Pay
REFERENCES ⦿ Harrison, S, MA(2015, March). Partnering with Parents and DBR. Retrieved from http://www.slideshare.net/tlassiter80/files-pptpartnering-with-parents-and-dbr. ⦿ Chapman, G. D. (1995). The five love languages: How to express heartfelt commitment to your mate. Chicago: Northfield Pub. ⦿ American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP). Retrieved from http://www.aacap.org. ⦿ Coyne, M. Thriving With Your Teen. Retrieved from http://www.ourkidsnetwork.ca.
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