Under stress, pressure or attack of any kind, we often react - PDF document

Under stress, pressure or “attack” of any kind, we often react verbally without thinking. In a reactive mode, we allow the other person to have a leverage advantage over our behavior, thereby shifting power and control to them. This presentation is designed to give participants tangible strategies for maintaining their traction in relationship, especially when it becomes negative. That’s the real irony of the “11 things”: in most of our daily lives, we are compelled to say some, if not all of them. But, the seminal question is, how can we say the 11 things, when necessary, differently? By learning to convey these statements using different words, and from a different perspective, we move toward a basic objective – gaining cooperation and generating voluntary compliance through empathic persuasion. In the Verbal Judo boiler plate, there is a bolt called “22 Principles for Maintaining Professional Disinterest (Under the Worst of Conditions)”. In other words, how to we maintain our interested but neutral, unbiased self when people are under the worst influences? Here are some of my favorites: • Everyone has a “good reason” (in their mind) for doing what he or she does. People care about knowing . Always set context. • • Respond to people and behavior – don’t react. Flexibility is strength. Rigidity is weakness. •

• The Golden Rule – Treat others as you would want to be treated – in identical circumstances . Consider the difference between respond and react, and remember to craft and use language that achieves professional objectives and redirects negative behavior, not that punishes people or hurts their feelings. The “Transactional Analysis” Theory of Resolving Conflict from “ Games es P Peo eople e Pla lay” by Dr. Eric Berne In 1964, Dr. Eric Berne M.D. wrote “Games People Play”. The book put into pop culture his theory of relationship, conflict and conflict resolution which he called “Transactional Analysis”. In part and paraphrase, here is what he said about T.A.: From time to time, people show noticeable changes in four specific aspects of behavior. They are posture, voice, viewpoint and vocabulary. These changes along with shifts in feeling temporarily create a “new person” in us, or what Berne called an “ego state”. These “new people” are a sort of defense mechanism soldier to combat the effects of stress, pressure or attack against us. Those “new people” or ego states have names and personalities that have been recognizable for years – parent, adult and child. It is critical to remember that none of the “11 Things” can be said constructively unless we are first, “adulted”. The “parent” or “child” ego states are designed to protect us from danger, threat or deprivation. Parents fight and children flight . As a professional, neither of these natural means of conflict resolution is appropriate. To engage and “adult” others, we must first be adults ourselves. 2

Parent, Adult and Child Characteristics: “ Parent ” is _______________, uses ________________ and is______________. Their postures are motivated by _________. “Child” is ____________, uses _____________ and has_____________ thought process. Their postures are motivated by ____________. “Adult” is _________, _________, non - _____________, uses __________and generates _________. Their postures are motivated by ________, _______, _______, _________, non-________ and non - _________. 1. “Come Here!” Ironically, this command usually translates into “go away” or “run as fast as you can!” Plenty of good police, parent, teacher, coach and other “authority” examples. Preferred restatement? Excuse me, can we chat for a minute?, or May I chat with you for a second? Can we talk? A moment of your time please? Strategy: 2. “You Wouldn’t Understand” This is insulting, because you can almost hear the comma, stupid . No harm in warning before you speak, but don’t condescend. Think: “Let me see, I hope I can explain this…” Preferred restatement? Please, let me try to explain, or This may be a lot to understand Strategy: 3

3. “Because Those Are The Rules” Always set context - tell them why, or provide a reason “with book”. Preferred restatement? Here’s what needs to be done, Here’s why, and If you’ll do your part, I’ll do mine. Strategy: 4. “It’s None Of Your Business” This is “the slam-dunk of verbal abuse”. Usually said out of frustration or anger. Preferred restatement? If truly “noneya”; State this is not just me and you, it involves others (people or policies). I don’t have their permission. I want to honor that - you understand. Strategy: 5. “What Do You Want Me To Do About It?” This cop-out is wrapped in sarcasm and seen as evading responsibility. One problem becomes two - How? Preferred restatement? Offer to sort out the issues, redirect to the proper source and be empathic. “I’m sorry; wish I could do more, but I can’t”. Strategy: 4

6. “Calm Down!” Like others, “calm down” is an invite to accelerate! Criticizes other’s behavior, and communicates no right to be upset. Preferred restatement? Calm face and demeanor, eye contact, gentle touch if appropriate and “it’s going to be all right. Talk to me. What’s the trouble? How can I help?” Strategy: 7. “What’s Your Problem?” Signals “Me vs. you” rather than “us”. Reaction? “Problem? You’re the problem!” Puts people into a child mentality, causing defensive need to protect self. Preferred restatement? “What’s the matter? How can I help? Tell me all about it”. Strategy: 8. “You Never (or) You Always…” Absolute generalizations are lies. Creates survivalists with photographic memories! Examples: “You never call”, or “you’re always late!” Preferred restatement? Take the burden - “When you don’t call, I feel you don’t care about me or my schedule”. Strategy: 5

9. “I’m Not Going To Say This Again”. Usually a lie. What follows this statement? The very thing you said you weren’t going to repeat! Preferred restatement? “It’s very important that you understand this, so let me say it again. Please listen carefully”. Strategy: 10. “I’m Doing This For Your Own Good”. Turns listener into cynic - “Oh yeah - I’ll bet!” Preferred restatement? If truly beneficial to other, show them. Offer reasons. Give concrete, real world examples personal to them (time, money, convenience, family, face). Strategy: 11. “Why Don’t You Be Reasonable?” In any relationship, this may be the most inflammatory statement. No one thinks they are unreasonable. They have a perfect reason for behavior! Preferred restatement? Use paraphrase : “Let me see if I understand your position”. Strategy: Resources and references that influenced this presentation include: 1. Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion by Dr. George J. Thompson and Jerry B. Jenkins, William Morrow and Company, New York, New York, 1993. Please discover more about Verbal Judo by visiting www.verbaljudo.com 2. Gam es People Play – The Psychology of Hum an Relationships by Dr. Eric Berne, M.D., Grove Press, Inc., New York, New York, 1964. 6

J. Mark Warren is the Training Specialist and Consultant with the Texas Association of Counties in his hometown of Austin, Texas. He assists the Association with the vision, development and delivery of training for both the internal and external customers of Texas county government. Just since 2007, Mark has traveled more than 89,000 miles across Texas and trained more than 22,700 participants, delivering a training message of inspiration, motivation and new direction. His presentations revolve around leadership, interpersonal communication and relationship skills, workplace diversity and professionalism, bridging the generations and customer service excellence. In addition to his teaching, training and traveling duties, Mark worked with the TAC Leadership Program and served as the coordinator of its Leadership training since 2002 and County Best Practices since 2009. After graduating from St. Edward’s University in 1977, Mark spent 23 years with the Texas Department of Public Safety, retiring in 2000 as the Assistant Commander of the Training Academy in Austin. For more information about Mark and TAC, please visit www.county.org and click Member Services, Education and Training then Special Presentations. 7