Negotiation & Conflict Resolution Seth Dailey, Baltimore, MD @RESuccessRocks
Here is “what’s so” • Not Scripting Class • It’s not fast food content; you’re going to have to chew on this. • It’s a focus on the WHY and the HOW of communication, not the “WHAT to say” • It MIGHT be new, and might not. It’s like explaining how a light switch works. • This is a class for our hearts and soul: As we understand it at a deeper level, we can become even more masterful at it. @RESuccessRocks
Here’s what we’ll cover: 1. The Conversation IS the Relationship 2. What Happened vs. Story 3. Transformative Mediation: Empowerment and Recognition 4. Commitment vs. Attachment: Our Posture in Communication 5. Unitive Triangling 6. Levels of Relationship @RESuccessRocks
Fierce Conversations: One Conversation at a Time @RESuccessRocks
@RESuccessRocks
“How did you go bankrupt? Gradually, then suddenly ” —Ernest Hemingway, The Sun Also Rises “Remember that what gets talked about and how it gets talked about determines what will happen. Or won't happen. And that we succeed or fail, gradually then suddenly, one conversation at a time.” —Susan Scott, Fierce Conversations @RESuccessRocks
Stories & Reality @RESuccessRocks
Stories & Reality SOMETHING THE STORY HAPPENED CREATED @RESuccessRocks
When does emotion enter? SOMETHING THE STORY HAPPENED CREATED Time @RESuccessRocks
When does emotion enter? SOMETHING THE STORY HAPPENED CREATED 1 4 5 2 3 @RESuccessRocks
So, what if you don’t like the emotion? WHAT THE STORY HAPPENED CREATED Time @RESuccessRocks
WHOSE Story is it? WHAT IS THE STORY THAT WHAT I CREATED HAPPENED? (WHAT DID I MAKE IT MEAN) @RESuccessRocks
Brené Brown-Rising Strong THE STORY I WHAT HAPPENED CREATED @RESuccessRocks
Own the Story The Story I”m making up about… (This event) Puts our _____________ at risk @RESuccessRocks
LOUISE PHIPPS SENFT What is Conflict in Negotiation? A Crisis in Communication, not a problem to be solved @RESuccessRocks
Transformative Mediation @RESuccessRocks
Crisis in Communication: Destructive Spiraling -You view yourself as victim and the Other as oppressor- Credit: Louise Phipps Senft - Being Relational @RESuccessRocks
You feel weakness • Losing control • Confused about options • You don’t know how to respond • You question your abilities • Losing confidence and hope Credit: Louise Phipps Senft - Being Relational @RESuccessRocks
You become self absorbed • You are suspicious • Make assumptions about motives • You guard and protect against a perceived threat • Shut down curiosity, closed-mindedness • Focused on own sufferings, unable to consider the other’s perspective Credit: Louise Phipps Senft - Being Relational @RESuccessRocks
Has this ever been your client, your team member, or yourself? Credit: Louise Phipps Senft - Being Relational @RESuccessRocks
The Good News: People have the capacity to move back into their sense of personal strength or self confidence The Empowerment Shift is achieved when disputing parties experience a strengthened awareness of their own self-worth and their own ability to deal with whatever difficulties they face regardless of external constraints. The Promise: As I grow stronger, I’m more able to offer recognition” Credit: Louise Phipps Senft - Being Relational @RESuccessRocks
More Good News: People have the capacity to move back into their sense of openness or responsiveness to the other The Recognition Shift is achieved when, given some degree of empowerment, disputing parties experience an expanded willingness to acknowledge and be responsive to other parities The Promise: “As I give recognition, I tend to feel stronger.” Credit: Louise Phipps Senft - Being Relational @RESuccessRocks
As I grow stronger, I’m more able to offer recognition” “As I give recognition, I tend to feel stronger.” Credit: Louise Phipps Senft - Being Relational @RESuccessRocks
Recognition @RESuccessRocks
Empowerment @RESuccessRocks
Empowering our Clients From: Self-protective, defensive, suspicious, incapable of stepping out of their own frame AND unsettled, confused, fearful, disorganized, unsure To: More attentive to others, more open, more willing to accept others good faith, more able to see others’ perspective. AND calmer, clearer, more confident, more focused, more decisive. Seth Dailey www.thedaileygroup.com
Empowering Our Clients You can’t force recognition, so focus on empowerment • Goals • Options • Skills • Resources • Decision Making Seth Dailey www.thedaileygroup.com
Empowering Our Clients You can’t force recognition, so focus on empowerment Contract Negotiations BATNA (Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement) Inspection / Condition Issues & Financing Delays “You have several options” Humanizing the clients Goals • “My sellers” vs. “John and Mary” Options • Skills • Prospecting / Cold Calling Resources • “I”m just here to be a resource” Decision Making • Buyer / Seller Consults “There are a few outcomes from today’s meeting” Seth Dailey www.thedaileygroup.com
@RESuccessRocks
Empowering Our Clients You can’t force recognition, so focus on empowerment Control the Process, not the Decisions Knowledge is Power; Clarity is Power Seth Dailey www.thedaileygroup.com
Your Posture in Conversation Seth Dailey www.thedaileygroup.com
Your Posture in Conversation Fixing / Surviving vs. Creating / Generating Commitment vs. Attachment Seth Dailey www.thedaileygroup.com
Protecting Controlling ASK YOURSELF: Avoiding Am I trying to Defending FIX / SURVIVE Forcing an outcome Manipulating in this Resisting conversation? Convincing Changing Withholding Seth Dailey www.thedaileygroup.com
An • Giving things up Forgiving Alternative: • Accepting • Live in Dancing in the • Conversation Generosity • Being of Service Bringing • and Everything AND Nothing to the Possibility conversation Seth Dailey www.thedaileygroup.com
Be a Stand for What is Possible Be committed (to a possibility) Not attached (to the outcome) Seth Dailey www.thedaileygroup.com
Levels of Communication Seth Dailey www.thedaileygroup.com
Levels of Communication DREAM MANAGER COACH EXPERT CARING / COMPASSIONATE JOB / ROLE Seth Dailey www.thedaileygroup.com
Watch out for Triangling! Seth Dailey www.thedaileygroup.com
Triangling Two Responses 1. Join, Align, Inflame 2. Defend, Counter, Dismiss Seth Dailey www.thedaileygroup.com
Unitive Triangling 1. Listen 2. Reflect 3. Ask Open Ended Questions Seth Dailey www.thedaileygroup.com
Reflective Listening (Reflection) Reflecting is when you mirror back to the speaker what you believe the speaker just expressed, using language close to the speakers own. A good reflection captures both the substance and the emotional tone of what the speaker has said, without parroting (L Phipps Senft) Seth Dailey www.thedaileygroup.com
Reflection: Reflection allows the speaker to hear himself Helps the speaker make empowerment shifts: 1. to get “on the record” 2. To “get clear” by “listening to himself” 3. to deliberate and choose to edit, modify and clarify comments. Helps the speaker make recognition shifts by: Allowing the speaker to hear when he as “gone to far” and reconsider and retract negative comments. Seth Dailey www.thedaileygroup.com
Q&A Seth Dailey Keller Williams Gateway Baltimore, Maryland seth@thedaileygroup.com 443-738-5588 Seth Dailey www.thedaileygroup.com
Responsibility: Not like blame or credit. It is the willingness to be cause in the matter. “I’m responsible” is not a fact. It is a stand. 100% you, 0% them. If you can be cause of the matter, then you can be cause of the solution. Seth Dailey www.thedaileygroup.com
Generosity: To give something up when you don’t have to. Includes real forgiveness. Becomes about contributing to others when it isn’t earned. Space where the miraculous can happen. Seth Dailey www.thedaileygroup.com
Seth Dailey www.thedaileygroup.com
Questions to Ask 1. What have I been hiding or pretending… Seth Dailey www.thedaileygroup.com
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