Meltdowns, Tantrums & Freakouts have functions... send a - PDF document

Doug Schmidt, Ph.D., C. Psych. Clinical and School Psychologist October 19, 2019 1 Meltdowns, Tantrums & Freakouts have functions...  send a message about distress,  signal losing internal, emotional control and external control of a situation,  show an attempt to get control  relieve tension, and  signal a need for connection and support which can be difficult to access 2 Ingredients of a Meltdown  a child’s temperament/personality  major or daily stressors  triggers in the moment (expectations, frustrations, or transitions),  emotional distress, and  how adults and others respond 3 1

Temperament • basis of personality • studied for decades • apparent in early childhood 4 Temperament  emotional sensitivity  sensory sensitivities  frustration tolerance  soothability 5 Temperament  persistence  activity level  extroversion/introversion  regularity of daily rhythms 6 2

Temperament Online questionnaire for identifying temperament: The Preventive Ounce https://www.preventiveoz.org/ 7 Validate Temperament  You’re a kid who…  That’s how you are and that’s fine.  I love the way you are.  You’re like uncle/aunt/cousin/etc.…  Sometimes things are frustrating because… 8 Stress  change  life circumstances/events  school  peers  siblings  wanting more closeness with caregivers Acknowledge these stressors……!!!!!! 9 3

Attachment versus separation  Children are facing much more separation from parents than ever before.  Long days in daycare and full day kindergarten can be challenging for kids.  Parental separation and family changes. 10 Attachment versus separation  Extracurricular activities are increasing.  Children and teens are becoming peer oriented.  Technology use is increasing.  Moving, not being close to extended family more frequent. 11 Separation is Stressful: Make Reconnecting Easy  Talk about how separation is hard.  Bridge separations by talking about the next time you’ll be together.  When you reconnect, express happiness about seeing each other and a desire to do something fun.  Don’t focus on your agenda or always ask, “how was your day at school?” You will get the answer, “fine,” or, “I don’t know.” 12 4

Reduce Stress  Provide more rest & sleep.  Provide more time to play.  Children need lots of relaxed time with parents and caregivers. 13 Play rejuvenates kids  imaginative play (dress up, puppets, figures)  creative arts play  sensory play  connected, interactive play  exercise and sports  kids vary in the kinds of play they like  some kids thrive on competitive sports, some do not  screen games are one form of play 14 Reduce Stress  Talk in a relaxed way about stress  Don’t ask too much.  “You’ve had a hard day/week.”  “Let’s do something fun.”  Kids usually spill the details later. 15 5

Talk about Distress  Sadness/Disappointment: “you feel like crying”  Fears/Anxieties: “you feel like running away”  Shame/Embarrassment: “you don’t feel good about yourself and just want to hide”  Frustration/Anger: “you just want to scream and yell or do something physical” 16 Anxiety  Help with transitions eg. good-bye rituals and bedtime routines.  Don’t view kids as emotionally fragile and frail, unable to tolerate emotions.  Don’t shy away from talking about painful or difficult feelings.  Talk about fear and motivation to overcome fears (to instill courage)  Remind them they don’t need to be perfect  Develop rituals to connect & check in. 17 Talk about Distress  Amp up stress to let it out.  Be alongside kids, help them get upset with you in a safe way.  This will reduce meltdowns where there’s buildup and losing control.  Important to be comfortable with distress. 18 6

Talk about Feelings  Often we help children avoid feelings. Try to make them go away.  “You’ll be fine. You’re okay. Don’t worry.”  We don’t want our kids to be weak or vulnerable.  But if they are not vulnerable with us, their hearts will harden to us and to everyone else. 19 Amp up Feelings when appropriate  that really hurts  that hurt your feelings  that’s so painful  that’s so hard 20 Amp up Feelings when appropriate  Stay with distress because then soothing can have more impact.  Reduces feelings of isolation.  I’ve heard parents call this:  ‘sharing the pain’ and  ‘flushing out painful feelings’. 21 7

Times of connecting/ separating are important  First thing in the morning  Saying goodbye before school  Reuniting at the end of the day  Preparing for bed and goodnight 22 Times of connecting/ separating are important  These times can be flashpoints for anxiety, irritability, or sadness.  Make these transitions easier.  Be attuned to these points.  Provide connection.  Provide support and validation. 23 Meltdown Triggers  being asked to do something they don’t want to do,  being asked to stop doing something they want to do,  leaving the house/bedtime, and  separation/disappointment 24 8

‘Collect before you Direct’ • A concept from Vancouver psychologist Dr. Gordon Neufeld. • Don’t just yell from the kitchen, “we’re leaving/eating in 5 minutes!” • Spend a few minutes with your child or teen. 25 ‘Collect before you Direct’ • Show interest and validate their interest in what they’re doing. • Validate their frustration of having to stop and do something else. • “I know you don’t want to stop doing that. We’ll be back later and can do this again.” • Share: eye contact, a smile, and a nod 26 How to make Meltdowns worse (for many children) Add more alarm:  threats of punishment  loud voice, warnings, threats  separation (time outs just don’t work for many children) 27 9

How to make Meltdowns worse (for many children) Comment on how upset you are.  This can causes anxiety, shame, and anger.  Often kids can only focus on their own feelings. 28 What to say instead:  This is a tough moment.  You have a lot of frustration.  I know you’re angry. It’s okay to be angry.  I’m still you’re mom/dad. We’re still okay.  Let’s take a break.  This will pass. 29 Meltdowns involve Mixed Feelings  Scared: out of control, afraid of hurting others and damaging relationships, afraid of punishment  Powerful: in control  Sad and lonely  Ashamed if hurting others  Angry 30 10

Meltdowns involve Mixed Feelings • Insight about mixed feelings signal the development of maturity (and prefrontal cortex development). • Mixed feelings = being aware of contrasting or conflicting desires. 31 Kids having tantrums can feel all mixed up: • Eg. I have hugs for my sibling and hits for my sibling. (a concept from Gordon Neufeld). • Being able to see both sides (of one’s own feelings, as well as the feelings of others) indicates the development of restraint and self- regulation. 32 How do you help with Mixed Feelings?  Start with copious amounts of emotional validation.  Be 100% on the side of the child.  When they’re ready, help them see their own blend of feelings and feelings of others. 33 11

How do you help with Mixed Feelings? When they’re ready,  Present facts.  Guide behaviour, or give advice or reminders of rules.  Go all Sydney Sunshine (“It’s going to be all right.”/”You’re okay.”)  Many parents start here and are confused that their children can’t tolerate frustration or distress. 34 Discipline For many children, discipline is likely to be ineffective if it involves:  Alarm (raised voices, threats, yelling, warnings)  Separation (time outs, shaming separations from other people)  Consequences (taking away privileges) 35 Why is this? • For sensitive, reactive, and immature children these strategies increase frustration. • For many children who are already frustrated, this just make it more likely that they will continue to engage in problem behaviours. 36 12

Discipline strategies: • Don’t talk too much about behaviour in the incident. • Talk more while preparing and debriefing problem incidents. • Stay calm and neutral. • Engage the child’s attachment instincts. 37 Discipline strategies: • Remind the child of your relationship and role. • Use verbal and nonverbal communication including eye contact, tone of voice, physical proximity, share a smile, share a nod. 38 Additional discipline strategies:  Safeguard a child’s desire to be good for you.  Expect but don’t demand good things.  Preserve the child’s dignity.  Know the limits of yourself and the situation.  Bridge what is dividing you and the child (eg. “let’s talk in a few minutes”). 39 13

NeufeldInstitute.org • Online Courses • Gordon Neufeld: • YouTube videos • TVO videos • Teach Ontario: What Makes a Bully 40 2016 book and website of Deborah MacNamara. Based on principles of Gordon Neufeld. http://macnamara.ca/ kids-best-bet-blog/ 41 2011 book with principles of Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. Published by New Harbinger Press. 42 14

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