1 The Spirit of the Lord Yahweh is on me, He has sent me to bring - PowerPoint PPT Presentation

Beth Smith, MRE Bereavement Counselor, Noah’s Children April 25, 2018 1

The Spirit of the Lord Yahweh is on me, He has sent me to bring the news to the afflicted, to soothe the broken hearted, to comfort all who mourn. Isaiah 61: 1-2 2

Important Definitions The Grief Process: What to Expect Factors that Influence Grief The Six Needs of Mourning Reconciliation and Healing in Grief Complicated Grief Essentials of Caring for the Bereaved The Importance of Self Care in Bereavement Ministry 3

Grief: The physical, cognitive, emotional, and spiritual reaction to the loss of someone or something in whom one has been deeply invested. Mourning : The outward expression of grief. Grief gone public. Bereavement : The state of loss resulting from death. Anticipatory Grief: Grief which is experienced before a loss actually occurs, as in the case of terminal illness. 4

All life changes and transitions, even the positive ones involve loss and grief. Divorce or severing of a relationship Loss of independence  Loss of a job or a new job Graduation  Retirement Marriage  Illnesses Birth of child  Giving up a dream Sending a child to college  Loss of a body part Aging  Moving from a home or community Loss of valued possessions  Loss of status Natural disasters  Loss of a pet Holidays, family reunions  Loss of financial security Abuse  5

Grief is natural, normal, necessary, and healthy; it is not a disease or a problem to be solved. Grief is a process, not an event. G Each person’s grief is unique. There are no timetables, no predictable, orderly stages. Grief lasts longer than most people think, and we are never “over it.” A loss usually resurrects past losses, old issues, and unresolved conflicts. Grief will be experienced physically, cognitively, emotionally, socially, spiritually. Grief will often resurface or intensify on certain occasions. It is common to wonder during grief, “Am I going crazy?” 6

In grief, nothing stays put. One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs; round and round. C. S. Lewis, A Grief Observed 7

The worst days now are holidays: Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Pentecost, birthdays, weddings, January 31,---days meant as festivals of happiness and joy now are days of tears. The gap is too great between day and heart. Days of routine I can manage; no songs are expected. But how am I to sing in this desolate land, when there’s always one too few? Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament For A Son 8

Changes in sleep and eating patterns Low energy Muscle aches and pains Shortness of breath Tightness in throat or chest Digestive problems Feelings of emptiness in your stomach Sensitivity to noise Heart palpitations Nausea 9

Common Grief Responses: Cognitive Diffuculty making even simple decisions Think you may be going crazy Lack of Concentration Disorientation and confusion Short term memory problems 10

Shock, Numbness, Denial, and Disbelief Disorganization, Confusion, Searching, and Yearning Anxiety, Panic, Fear Explosive Emotions: Anger, Hate, Blame, Resentment, Rage, Jealousy Guilt and Regret Sadness and Depression Relief and Release “Did you ever know, dear, how much you took away with you when you left? I was wrong to say the stump was recovering from the pain of the amputation. I was deceived because it has so many ways to hurt me that I discover them only one by one.” C.S. Lewis : 11

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than 10,000 tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love. ~ Washington Irving 12

Assessing between Grief and Depression Grief Depression • Experienced in waves • Moods and feelings are static • Diminishes in intensity • All-pervading sense of over time depletion and hopelessness. • Temporary loss of self- • Deep and ongoing loss of self- esteem. esteem. * Excerpts from Therese A. Rando (1993).Treatment of Complicated Mourning. Research Press, Champaign, IL. 13

Change in friendships Loneliness Need to spend more time alone Fear of being alone Awkwardness of other people’s reactions Disinterest in usual activities 14

Some people mistakenly think that having faith means that you do not need to mourn. Faith may be deepened, renewed, changed or shattered as a result of grief. May feel angry at God May feel very close or distant from God May have difficulty attending worship May be sustained by faith Many ask questions such as: Is there a God? If God is a loving God, how does He allow bad things to happen? Why has this happened to me? What is the meaning of this? Where is my loved one now? 15

Faith is a footbridge that you don’t know will hold you up over the chasm until you’re forced to walk out onto it. I’m standing there now, over the chasm. I inspect the bridge. Am I deluded in believing that in God the question shouted out by the wounds of the world has its answer? Am I deluded in believing that someday I will know the answer? Am I deluded in believing that once I know the answer, I will see that love has conquered? I cannot dispel the sense of conducting my inspection in the presence of the Creating/Resurrecting One . Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament For a Son 16

Grief can feel very foreign and disorienting . Related reactions include : Time Distortion Self-Focus Re-thinking and Re-telling the Story Sudden Changes in Mood Powerlessness and Helplessness Grief Attacks Crying and Sobbing Linking Objects Dreams Mystical Experiences Anniversary and Holiday Occasions 17

“ I was just as crazy as you can be and still be at large. I didn’t have any really normal minutes during those two years. It wasn’t just grief, It was total confusion. I was nutty… and that’s the truth. How did I come out of it? I don’t know, because I didn’t know when I was in it that I was in it” Helen Hayes, Actress 18

The relationship with the person who died The circumstances of the death The funeral experience The unique personality of the bereaved The unique personality of the deceased The gender of the bereaved The cultural background of the bereaved The religious background of the bereaved The support system available to the bereaved Other current crises or stresses Past experience with loss Physical health of the bereaved 19

Accept the reality of the death Let yourself feel the pain of the loss. Remember the person who died. Develop a new self identity. Search for meaning Let others help you — now and always. Alan Wolfelt , Understanding Your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart 20

Reconciliation and healing in grief occurs when we open to the experience of all our feelings, and embrace and express the pain. As we do the very hard work of grief, hopefully surrounded by compassionate people and God’s loving presence, we are gradually able to integrate the new reality of moving forward in life without our loved one. There was no sudden, striking, and emotional transition. Like the warming of a room or the coming of daylight, when you first notice then they have already been going on for some time. C. S, Lewis, A Grief Observed (Signs of Reconciliation, handout provided) 21

If a person truly does the work of grief and mourning, they will be transformed, forever changed, a “new normal.” There is usually growth in the areas of values, beliefs, priorities, search for meaning, and purpose in life. “Behold, I am making all things new. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end.” Revelation 21:5 22

There are instances where normal grief strays off course and becomes unhealthy or complicated. Signs of complicated grief include: Ongoing denial of the death Displacing grief by directing those feelings toward other things in life Replacing grief by reinvesting prematurely in another relationship Minimizing grief by downplaying feelings Somaticizing grief by converting feelings into physical symptoms If a bereaved person exhibits symptoms of clinical depression, is abusing alcohol or drugs, or threatens suicide or harm to another, professional intervention should be sought. 23

There are certain loss situations where the bereaved is at a higher risk for complicated grief. Occurs for about 20 % of bereaved. Suicide Violent death Sudden death Loss of a child Loss of a parent for a child Multiple loss Unresolved past loss Unfinished business in the relationship Ambivalent relationship Bereaved was highly dependent on the deceased Bereaved has mental illness 24