The only thing constant in life is change. 2 Self Preservation - PDF document

11/24/2020 Mentally Preparing for Life’s Transitions AKA: The Psychology of Transition Presented by: Robynn Moraites Executive Director NC Lawyer Assistance Program 1 It has become cliché “The only thing constant in life is change.” 2 Self Preservation Instincts • Denial vs. Adaptation • A balancing act. We use a lot of energy for both, and sometimes we use more energy to stay on one side of the continuum. • Common belief: “we resist change” Denial Adaptation 3 1

11/24/2020 Definition of Change: • to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is (or from what it would be if left alone) • to transform or convert 4 Transition on the other hand… • Letting go of that piece of ourselves that we have to give up when and because the situation has changed. - William Bridges – The Way of Transition • This is actually what we resist because it is so deeply significant and personal. 5 Psychological Stages of Change 6 2

11/24/2020 Stage 1 – Precontemplation • “Not ready” or avoidance - The change is not on the person’s radar screen yet. – Not speaking circumstantially here, we’re speaking psychologically • If approached about a possible change, the person will typically (unconsciously) underestimate the pros and overestimate the cons with little to no actual information 7 Stage 2 – Contemplation • “Getting Ready” or overcoming ambivalence • On the radar screen, starting to gather information • Pros and cons are about equal as they are weighed • Ambivalence can lead to long delays of months or years before taking action 8 Stage 3 – Preparation • “Ready” • Begin with small steps • Support from friends, family and colleagues is key • Biggest concerns are usually if they take this action, will there be the payoff expected? Will it work out as hoped? What will happen? 9 3

11/24/2020 Stage 4 – Action • “All in” • Change is made, new behavior underway • This can be a very motivated time, new experiences, new ways of reacting or interacting…often excitement of a new chapter 10 Stage 5 – Maintenance • “New Way of Life” • Change is well established • Old ways seem distant • One may even question, “Why did it take me so long to come to this decision (action) (change)?” 11 If only it were that simple… • There are several compounding factors that influence a person’s readiness to change and to progress through the 5 stages of change. • These factors are the three largest factors for our talk today and yet remain mostly, if not completely, unacknowledged 12 4

11/24/2020 ELEPHANT in the Room #1 13 Ego (False Self) • Psychological vice that masquerades as virtue for many professionals: the unmitigated identification of self with occupation, accomplishment and professional satisfaction. - WSJ • One of the biggest fears for holders of respected positions is the potential loss of public esteem. So WHY is it so difficult to let that go?.... 14 Adding to that Egoic False Self • Legal profession adds new layers and dimensions – we are largely unaware of  Zealous advocacy;  Always the helper;  Confidentiality;  Isolated; Workload  Tomorrow never comes; prioritizing false self goals over true interests that do not serve a professional or reputational purpose  Success 15 5

11/24/2020 ELEPHANT in the Room #2 16 Anxiety • Venture into the unknown = uncertainty • Instinctual drive to stay safe, self preserving – moving past those boundaries, by definition, creates anxiety • Therefore, all change, big or small, is also accompanied by some form of anxiety – Might be insignificant or debilitating, but it is there Insignificant Debilitating 17 Anxiety continued… • Behaviors include: – Overthinking - identifying and planning for every possible contingency (A, B, C, and D) (then A1/A2, B1/B2, etc) • We invariably miss something anyway – Difficult to “trust the unfolding process” – Believe it is “all up to me” to create a result – Quite sure “other shoe will drop” – Catastrophising - forgetting to look back and see things that have worked out in the past – Lots of self-doubt and second guessing Can look like good lawyering! 18 6

11/24/2020 Common Example • Staying in an unsatisfying job (practice area or practice setting) due to security fears (“Devil you know…”) – “Fear” of financial insecurity vs financially secure reality (leaving big firm example) • Missed opportunities (not work related) 19 ELEPHANT in the Room #3 20 Grief 21 7

11/24/2020 5 Stages of Grief • Denial • Anger • Bargaining • Depression • Acceptance 22 Let’s talk about grief • All change, no matter how big or small, whether we label it “good” or “bad” is accompanied by some form of grief – Might be insignificant or debilitating, but it is there Insignificant Debilitating 23 Grief continued…Stories • Which vacuum to keep? • Why can’t I let myself sell this house? • Switching practices – leaving in-house • The Veterinarian’s Observation 24 8

11/24/2020 Resources • Cultural mores about any form of grief today (excerpt from Joan Didion’s book) • The Grief Club by Melody Beattie • The Way of Transition by William Bridges (one of many books) 25 Notice any correlations? Stages of Grief/Traits of Anxiety Stages of Change • Denial • Pre-contemplation • Anger/Angst • Contemplation • Bargaining/ • Preparation Planning • Action • Depression • Acceptance • Maintenance Not always an exact correlation, but you can see the similarities and convergences of processes – how grief or anxiety can influence moving through stages of change. 26 Now put it all together: • Unconscious over identification with job • Anxiety that comes with change • Unspoken, unrecognized grief that comes with change – That we’re culturally not allowed to recognize or speak of • All reinforcing denial stage (pre-contemplation) 27 9

11/24/2020 28 No Wonder… • It is no wonder phasing out of law practice can be so difficult for us. • Now that we know some of what is at play, what are some practical steps we can take to prepare? 29 Begin Simple Self-Reflection • Look back on your own life. – Jot down 5 major changes or transitions you have been through in your life personally. Some common examples: • Going to undergrad or law school • Getting married or divorced • Having children (each child counts as an event) • Starting a job, leaving a job, switching practices • Moving to a new city 30 10

11/24/2020 What can you identify? Stages of Grief Stages of Change Denial Precontemplation • • • Anger • Contemplation • Bargaining • Preparation • Depression • Action Acceptance Maintenance • • Fears/Anxieties Overplanning • • Dreading Trying to control process or participants • Being stuck due to uncertainty about change • Where did you spend the most time before? during? after? the change. 31 Predictor • We tend to be creatures of habit and conditioned emotional response • We usually have a standard repertoire of emotional responses – Knowing how we dealt with something in the past will help us anticipate it in the future so that we can prepare adaptive strategies • Looking at big picture trends that stand out 32 Assess Yourself Job Not identified Totally identified Anxiety Insignificant Debilitating Grief Insignificant Debilitating #1 - Typical #2 – Facing major changes 33 11

11/24/2020 Looking Ahead – Proven Strategies • When dealing with the emotional and psychological transition of retirement, identify for yourself: – Where do you currently overly identify with your job/role? • Strategy for dis-identifying – true example • Analogous “work” – i.e., serving on boards (two most recent foundation presidents) (Projects of passion, Rotary, tutoring, taxes, mentoring) that still gives us the ego-perks 34 Looking Ahead – Proven Strategies • When dealing with the emotional and psychological transition of retirement, identify for yourself: – What outside interests have you maintained? – What outside interests can you start fostering now? 35 A Smart Guy Said It “Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” ~ Albert Einstein, letter to his son Eduard, 1930 36 12

11/24/2020 What’s On Your Plate? 37 38 39 13

11/24/2020 Thank you! Nicole Ellington Cathy Killian Eastern Area Clinical Director/West 919-719-9267 704-910-2310 nicole@nclap.org cathy@nclap.org Robynn Moraites Executive Director 704-503-9695 robynn@nclap.org 40 14