Rachel Bailey, MA Ginny Inglese, LCSW Total Health Concepts, LLC Total Coaching Concepts, LLC
Example of what can go wrong during ―free time‖ and why Suggestions for: ◦ Making free time less painful ◦ Getting through the holidays ◦ Making free time more enjoyable The importance of self-care Increasing your child’s self -esteem Questions/ Sharing ideas
Blake (the main character), his sister Madison, and his friend Matt are at home with their babysitter, Marjorie. This excerpt describes what happens when the children are eating dinner in a non-structured environment. ―We turn and walk toward the neatly set table. My twelve -year-old sister, Madison, is almost finished with her bowl of teriyaki chicken and rice, and she looks bored. Madison looks at Matt and makes a weird face at him. Matt and I exchange looks. Madison giggles. She has nothing to do. After scanning the kitchen for a minute, looking for something to play with, she locks her eyes on the refrigerator. She goes over to the refrigerator, opens it, and pulls out a container of yogurt. Uninterested, I look away and put a piece of chicken in my mouth. Madison returns to the table with not only the yogurt but also a lighter in her hand. Matt looks at me ominously. ―Okay, yogurt, it’s time to die,‖ my sister addressed the yogurt as she flicks the lighter on. About a minute later, Madison manages to light a small flame at the edge of the yogurt container, creating a faint odor of burning plastic. Matt looks at Madison as if she needs to be committed. Marjorie continues cleaning dishes, her back to us and the flame. Classical music drones on in the background, along with the sound of running water from the kitchen sink. Just then, an idea comes into my head. I see the fire burning on the yogurt casing and the motion of the flame. I don’t think about how stupid it is to have a yogurt container burning on the kitchen table. In fact, I don’t think at all about the danger of fire. Instead, I think of chemistry lab and how we purposely light things on fire to find their ignition points. But I am not thinking of controls or safety procedures, Which would be part of a proper chemistry experiment, done in a chemistry lab. I only think of lighting something — anything — on fire to see what will happen. I stand up, walk across the kitchen, and open the medicine cabinet. Inside is Bactine, Band-Aids, gauze — the usual first-aid collection. I scan the cabinet for a flammable fluid. I find in it a blue- gray bottle labeled ―eyeglass cleanser.‖ Giddy with the excitement of the moment, I walk across the kitchen toward where Madison is reigniting the yogurt container with the lighter. It is small candle- size flame, but it won’t be small for long. As I approach the flame, I open the eyeglass cleanser bo ttle and pour it on The yogurt. In a millisecond, the small flame flares upward into a blaze. Frightened, I automatically throw the bottle onto the table. The red-orange flame, which now engulfs half of the kitchen table, traces the trajectory of the flying bottle and its flammable liquid in the air. Madison runs for water. Matt jumps away from the table. I am in shock, paralyzed. Marjorie suddenly sees the reflection of the huge flame in the window at the sink. She turns around and screams.‖ Taylor, B. E. S. (2007). ADHD & me: What I learned from lighting fires at the dinner table. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.
Blake describes that his ―inability to concentrate triggers boredom and then impulsivity.‖ He doesn’t think about the consequences of his actions – not because he’s a bad person, but because, as he explains it: ―Rather than consequences, a person with ADHD thinks about the joy of seeing action. And it is this inability to make the link between thinking of an action and understanding the consequences of that action which is the definition of impulsivity: not completely thinking through the consequences of the action. In my mind, I would get an idea and be so intent upon seeing the action, experiencing the action, getting a zing from the action, that I didn’t have time to think about how it might turn out or whom it could affect.‖ He gives an example of using a slingshot and shattering the back window of a Cadillac. He explains, ―I didn’t mean to shatter the glass. At the time, I was thinking of how entertaining it would be to see flying pebbles. A person with ADHD often does not think about cause and effect, does not connect the dots between thought, action, and consequence. You shoot pebbles because you want to see them fly, and you don’t think about the objects in their path. The pebbles hit the windows, people get angry, and you get yelled at, and you don’t understand why you are getting yelled at, because all you were trying to do was see the flying pebbles…‖ Taylor, B. E. S. (2007). ADHD & me: What I learned from lighting fires at the dinner table. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.
Consider the past ◦ Recognize patterns that have led to meltdowns in the past. ◦ Recall past successes and repeat what you did right. ◦ ―Practice‖ activities that you know will be more difficult. ◦ Monitor eating/sleeping. Reframe the present: Flexible, but not too flexible ◦ Set realistic expectations for how the holidays will go. ◦ Allow more time for activities that kids enjoy but can’t do during the school year. ◦ Allow yourself to say ―yes‖ more often. ◦ Despite more flexibility, stick to a consistent reward/consequence system.
Maintain structure ◦ Predictability prevents feelings of being overwhelmed. ◦ When expectations are set, there is less debating/arguing/fighting. ◦ Structure allows less time for boredom. Examples ◦ Create a schedule and review it with your child in the morning. ◦ Have meals and bedtime at the same time every day. ◦ Write down and discuss expectations for free time, including a beginning and end time.
Thanksgiving/Christmas ◦ Before the Event: Allow your child to help with preparations, especially those that can be creative. Make placeholders, centerpieces Make setting the table a game ◦ During the Event: Make sure the kids have something to do Call ahead to see if there will be something there. If not, bring/create activities. If weather permits, plan outside activities that will expend energy. ◦ Take time for your own family. Do some things that are ―normal.‖ With all of the people around, a family movie night may be calming for everyone. With your child and/or the whole family, discuss what worked and what didn’t over the holidays.
Holiday parties ◦ Set expectations for behavior before the event. ◦ Allow your child to be honest if he’s feeling overwhelmed. ◦ Plan to leave early. Holiday shopping ◦ Let your children be as involved as possible in planning the trip. ◦ Make trips short and sweet. ◦ Plan the trip ahead of time. ◦ Set expectations for behavior. ◦ Make sure children are not tired or hungry before leaving.
What to do ◦ Consider summer camp. ◦ Allow your child to explore nature. ◦ Find activities that will allow him to expend energy. ◦ Take advantage of the activities that your community offers. ◦ Plan morning activities, which will allow him to appreciate ―free time‖ more and make the day more productive. ◦ Have your child start a collection. ◦ Plan regular family time doing something fun. How to do it ◦ Allow your children to have input on activities. ◦ Consider needs, interests, strengths, and difficulties when planning family vacations. ◦ Maintain structure and consistency even during trips away from home.
Games with Added Benefit ◦ Memory Attention and memory ◦ Clue Problem solving ◦ Chinese checkers, Battleship, Master Mind Strategic thinking ◦ Scrabble Vocabulary/spelling ◦ Puzzles, Woodworking, Crafts Takes advantage of spatial ability and creativity
Activities should be active + creative ◦ Create a fort by draping sheets on boxes. ◦ Play Follow the Leader. ◦ Take a walk – but count items along the way. ◦ Build something together. ◦ Have them run through sprinklers. ◦ Create a collage from magazines of anything that is enjoyable.
Why you’re not being selfish ◦ Gives you patience to handle difficult times ◦ Allows you to think clearly ◦ Allows you to maintain your sense of humor ◦ Models ―me time‖ Examples ◦ Make sure you’re taking care of your own physiological needs. ◦ Be aware of your emotional needs. ◦ Schedule time for yourself – even if only 10 minutes per day – to do something you enjoy. ◦ Ask for help.
Do you like being in large groups when you don’t know many people and are bored by the conversation? What do you do when you’re bored? What do you WISH you could do if there were no consequences? If you’re in a new situation and don’t know the ―rules,‖ how many mistakes would you make?
Remember your child’s strengths ◦ Endless energy ◦ Creativity Seeing the world in a new way Finding new solutions to problems ◦ Interpersonal skills ◦ Intelligence ◦ Individual qualities ◦ How different would your life be without your child?
For further information, contact: Rachel Bailey Rachel@TotalCoachingConcepts.net Ginny Inglese Ginny@TotalHealthConcepts.net Total Coaching Concepts, LLC 703-255-7012 Total Health Concepts, LLC 703-255-7012
Recommend
More recommend
