“COMMUNICATION TO GAIN COOPERATION” LifeServices Employee Assistance Program (EAP) 1-800-822-4847 Margie Roop, LPCC-S; CEAP; SAP, Regional Director
HAVE YOU EVER… • Walked away from a conversation wondering…”what just happened?” • Felt tense in your gut after you “thought” the issue was addressed? • Felt on the defense in trying to confront an issue? • Had someone say, “I think you’re taking things the wrong way?”
ALL YOU WERE DOING… • Was asking a favor. • Asking for their involvement in a project • Asking for their COOPERATION with an assignment • Asking them to be open about a subject • It’s not like you were asking them to jump off a cliff, right?
IT’S AMAZING JUST HOW… • Employees can misinterpret a message. • Think they are being attacked. • Perceive that someone is putting so much on them. • Employees feel they are being judged • Think one is out to cause them harm • Believe the request is ridiculous • Or, feel that they’re the only one who is asked to help!?
IT’S STRESS, FOLKS! • Understand that their irrational response to what you may be requesting is typically about THEM! • In the course of anyone’s day, a lot happens in life to affect “how we are with others!” • “Personal problems do not punch out when people punch in”…right? • We end up spending MOST of our waking hours at work, amongst others (with their own stress), & having to perform duties that may be: boring, repetitive, physically hard, dangerous, requiring extreme focus, etc …
HOWEVER, MAYBE IT IS US…! • Maybe it’s in HOW we conveyed the request. • Maybe it’s in how we approached them. • Maybe it’s in our tone of voice, our posture, our (lack of) eye contact. • Just maybe, it WAS us & OUR stress!
MOST PEOPLE WOULD ADMIT THAT… • Communication can • They have had trouble sometimes be tough! “holding their ground” with another party. • Communication is often fraught with confusing • Communication is a lot emotions. harder than one thinks! • Confronting an issue with • They secretly wish that someone sometimes people would just be resembles a two hour able to “read their aerobic workout! minds”!
COMMUNICATION : • Occurs all the time- whether we realize it or not! • Is a vital facet of everyday life! • Can become effortless by following a few guidelines.
HOW DO WE KNOW IF SOMEONE IS BEING DIFFICULT? • They do not agree with our ideas? • They demonstrate a “negative” attitude towards us? • They criticize your ideas? • They throw a “monkey wrench” into the process? • They are close-minded. • Always defensive?
DIFFICULT PEOPLE: THEY… Usually “poo - poo” ideas for change? Behave disrespectfully towards you? Feel they are always right? Distrustful of others in general? Always want to fight?!
HOWEVER, WE CANNOT CHANGE OTHERS.. • We CAN change/control ourselves: • 1. In how we present our ideas • 2. In how we ask for cooperation. • In how we respond to their responses!
HOW WOULD YOU KNOW IF YOU GOT SOMEONE TO COOPERATE WITH YOU? • You feel that you were heard! • You feel your needs were met (or at least a start). • You don’t have that nagging “gut feeling” of unfinished business.
YOU ALSO FEEL…. • Glad you brought up the issue. • Affirmed in your feeling about the issue. • Successful in convincing the other party of the importance of your issue!
THEY SAID: “YES!”
COMMUNICATION TO GAIN COOPERATION • Boils down to your ability to convince another person of the importance of your issue or concern- THAT’S IT!! • And, you can accomplish this EVEN with a “difficult” person! Hint: If you can do it with a teenager, you can do it with anybody….!
REMAIN CALM! • 1. Usually, however, it is in how we try to sell others on our idea that makes the “sale” break down; approach each personal encounter in a calm fashion-there is nothing worth upsetting yourself over….especially with a difficult person!
SPACE ISSUES… 2. Respect each other’s personal space -a good two feet away from one another.
LET ME HEAR YOUR BODY TALK! • 3. Use “open” body language!
THE OLD “I” STATEMENTS… 4. State your concern using “I” statements” : • “I’m upset about your lack of involvement in the Smith project.” • “I thought I was clear about how I wanted you involved. If I wasn’t, I apologize. Here’s what I need from you…” • “Does that make sense to you?” • “Help me understand why you do things that way…”
LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN… • 5. Allow the other party to respond… really listen to them . Use reflective listening, i.e., if the person appears baffled by your statement, say so: “You look baffled by what I just said...” Or: “I hear you saying that you need more time (help, focus, budget needs, etc …), is that right?”
ENCOURAGE RESPONSES… • 6. It is important to, even though you are initiating the conversation, encourage the other person to respond, i.e., “OK, tell me more” or “Is there anything else you need to tell me?” This shows that you are not dominating the conversation. • “Exhaust the conversation”. This takes time, but not as much as you’d think!
STAY IN THE “HERE & NOW”….. • 7. Remain in the present : “Right now, I feel uncomfortable as you are looking at me,” or “I’m unsure why, but I’m upset with how you just responded,” or “This doesn’t feel good for me.” • Or, “I’m happy about how you’re responding!”
USE THE “BROKEN RECORD” METHOD… • 8. If the person doesn’t own their responsibility with the situation in question, use the “broken record” method by returning to your original concern: “I hear what you’re saying, however, I’m still confused by your refusal to cooperate- it’s throwing me off. It makes me feel like there’s some sort of miscommunication about the project!?”
BE CLEAR • 9. If what you need in terms of cooperation is PART of the person’s job, make sure the employee clearly understands this: • “John, I hope you understand that what I’m asking of you is an integral part of your job duties.” • Or, “I do not want to come across as demanding, however, what I need from you IS in your job description.” • John, unfortunately, you’ve got no choice in this matter as this is a function of your position; I’m confused by your resistance to this.”
SUMMARIZE 1 0. Summarize the conversation. Ensure that both parties understand exactly what has been decided. Ask for clarification from the other person: “Ok, so, as a result of our conversation, tell me what your understanding is going forward?”
THANK THE EMPLOYEE! • Employees simply do not hear a “thank - you” often enough, so THANK them for their cooperation! • They will remember this encounter especially when it ends on a positive note.
NO COOPERATION? • If you feel you’ve received no cooperation despite your best efforts, discipline may be in order. Consult with your supervisor or with your HR department.
POINTS TO KEEP IN MIND: • Assess YOUR emotions prior to the encounter- are you being objective? • Admit if there exists some type of • What’s your stress level on personality conflict-this that particular day- is a simple fact of life- remember our “personal put it aside or enlist the stuff” doesn’t simply help of another party in “check - out” the moment the encounter. we “check - in” to work!
OTHER CONSIDERATIONS • Is your employee properly trained? They may not feel comfortable admitting this OR don’t want to “throw someone under the bus” for not training them. • Is your employee literate? • Are they receiving mixed messages from management?
IS SOMETHING ELSE GOING ON? Do they appear stressed out? Possibly violating your P & P prohibiting substances in the workplace? Rumors that they’re having personal problems? Did they share that they’re having personal problems? Are they being directed to do things a certain way by other employees?
ASK THE QUESTIONS • As they see you address the issue, they WILL feel better discussing it; NO SECRETS! • If they disclose a personal problem, mention the EAP & give them our wallet card. • Allow for privacy if you sense they want to talk about a co-worker or other supervisor or personal problem.
COMMUNICATION TO GAIN COOPERATION • How good are you at convincing another of the importance of your issue? • If you experienced failed cooperation, which of the “Ten Steps” did you miss ?
Now go out and enjoy life!
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