A ¡Strengths-‑Based ¡ Approach ¡to ¡Paren3ng ¡ Developing ¡the ¡character ¡traits ¡our ¡ ¡ children ¡need ¡to ¡thrive!
Try and Motivate Me
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Common Parenting Goals • We want the best for our children • We want them to experience success • We want them to overcome challenges • We want them to become socially and ethically responsible • We want them to develop clear and realistic goals • We want them to be happy, principled and grounded
Our Parenting Reality Is:
Our Response • Risk avoidant • Fearful/Anxious • Overly protective • Overly involved • Overly cautious • Frustrated • Pessimistic
The Big Disconnect
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“ If we think our children are fragile and broken, they will live a fragile, broken life. If we believe they are strong and wise, they will live with enthusiasm and courage. The way we parent our children strongly influences the way they will live.”
We Do Have A Choice 18
What Is Our Goal? Not to raise perfect children who have no worries and to safeguard them from every possible loss, heartache, and danger. Rather, our goal should be to raise strong children who can handle the bumps and bruises that the world inevitably has in store for them. The goal is resilience, not invulnerability.
A Strength Or A Risk
Your Parenting Orientation GPS Parenting Mapping An Experiential Journey 21
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Pain-Based Behaviour (Brendtro) • Emotions – include inner states such as fear, anger, sadness, disgust, hopelessness, helplessness, guilt, hatred, and shame. • Thinking – may include distressing thought processes such as worry, anxiety, distrust, pessimism, blame, vengefulness, denial, and unconstructive rationalization. • Response-based behaviour - puts painful emotions and thinking into action as an attempt to escape from pain.
� � THE CHALLENGE Do we parent our children to survive? OUTCOME FOCUSED - Continue to concentrate our energy on changing their behaviour and world around our children OR Do we parent our children to thrive? PROCESS FOCUSED - Nurturing their capacity to navigate challenging situations and meet their needs in constructive ways
Definition of Resilience Often Described as: “… an ability to spring back and adapt to life’s challenges Rather: … an active process of self- righting and personal growth - an attitude of hope and optimism based upon a growth mindset that applies to both challenging and constructive times.”
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Role of Resilience and Protective Factors Family Who You Community Peers Are? School Work
EXTERNAL STRENGTHS INTERNAL STRENGTHS s s e n e F v a i s m e Community Boundaries Caring Family i h l y o C Family Adult S Communications y Relationships u t i p n p u o m C r y l t o m i V m m s a l m e a l & o u d F u e o C n s t M l i t u Y y d E o e E u m p A l o o w t x h m e R e r n - t p y t i y v e C i l a i t m r i i n s a c g t n F r C Equity & o o e p m S t m S Safety p Social u e u a n S i l t l Justice y f a t - i C i c Caring Restraint o o o n S n t r o l High Family School Resistance Empathy Expectations Skills Involvement Planning & Spirituality Decision Making S Bonding E H C x i p g c to S chool e h u c t Acceptance Self- t a t l p i h o t n Efficacy s u e o c r a n o l Cultural Self- o S C Positive Peer l Awareness Esteem e - n f l s e C g i S t n i v i u i t Influence r l y o a C o l e h s t t c a S p u m P R i o l i r C e s h e Boundaries i l a t s i t v School n i e o Achievement School W ork o n P s i Engagement e t h e a i r p s l e R School r e e P C g o n m i n m r a it e m L o e n t t
Resiliency And Risk N = 60,000 14.0 12.0 Average Number of At-Risk Behaviours 10.0 7.9 8.0 6.2 6.0 5.2 4.0 4.0 2.7 2.0 2.0 0.0 00-05 06-10 11-15 16-20 21-25 26-30 Developmental Strengths Categories
Resiliency and Marijuana Use Used Marijuana (In the Past Month) 100.0 90.0 80.0 70.0 60.0 52.1 Percent 50.0 42.4 40.0 29.2 30.0 17.7 20.0 11.4 6.0 10.0 0.0 00-05 06-10 11-15 16-20 21-25 26-30 Number of Developmental Strengths 32
Resiliency and Bullying 50 Degree of Bullying (% 3 46 Males Females 38 38 or more) 28 25 19 16 13 12 9 8 7 3 4 1 0 0 - 5 6 - 10 11-15 16 -20 21 - 25 26 -31 Developmental Strengths
Resiliency and Pro-Social N = 60,000
Patterns of Resilience (Under Stress and over Time) Resilience 2: Enhanced Teenage Years 3 Stressors Strengths and Opportunities Middle Years 2 Early Years 1 Resilience 1: Overwhelmed Options
A Strengths-Based Parenting Approach • Focus on what is strong and not what is wrong in their children • Focus on preparing a child to walk the path • Focus on connecting before directing • Focus on promoting learning from mistakes • Focus more on what is right and why it was right • Focus on what their child is becoming - not what they will be • Focus on nurturing optimism and a growth mindset
Stages of Parenting
Stacking the Deck Against Risk “The idea is to collaboratively work to create an “ecology” around children and youth that makes it increasingly difficult for certain high problem behaviours to survive.” W. Hammond
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Core Character Competencies Traits Positive Social Skills – Knows how to develop and maintain a strong network of supportive, healthy relationships. Positive Coping Skills – An ability to successfully cope with stress and navigate life experiences that are unclear and/ or uncertain. Positive Adaptability – Has good problem solving skills and knows that making mistakes is part of life and a way to learn. Positive Determination – Does not give up easily and tries hard even when things get challenging. Positive Group Membership – The ability to understand and take action according to prevailing social expectations and/or one’s commitments.
P ositive Values and Principles – Knows that there are basic values of “right” and “wrong” and uses them in their decisions making and coping behaviour. Positive Self-Esteem – Has a positive view of the future and a clear understanding of what their strengths are as well as how to use them in purposeful ways. Positive Emotional Awareness – Knows how to accurately identify, understand and express emotions in constructive ways. Positive Spark – Has a sense of enjoyment in particular activities and reflects as passion when engaged in them – creates a smile from inside. Positive Value Awareness – Is engaged in a curious exploration of their spiritual sense of self and its implications for ones purpose and meaning in life.
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Encouraging Growth Mindset Statements • I like the way you handled that • Wow, you really created a solution to that problem • I have faith in your ability • You're really showing me that you want to be responsible, I like what you did when … • I know you will figure out a good way to do it next time • I trust you to do your best, I look forward to seeing what you do • You are an important part of our family • I'm proud of you for trying, you took a smart risk and you learned something new - awesome • I know you're disappointed that you didn't win, it doesn't feel good, but I bet if you try certain things you'll do better 44
Strengths-Based Parenting
Strengths-Based Capacity Building Caring Process Empower Facilitate Thrive Resilience Inspire Experience Connect Explore Student’s Process Reflect Challenges
Principles of Strength-Based Parenting • An absolute belief that our children have potential and that their strengths define them. • A focus on a child’s “islands of competence” or strengths creates hope and optimism. • Knowing the need to choose our opportunities • Understanding that change is inevitable - our children have the innate desire to succeed and be their own person. • Positive change occurs when our children know that we care for them and will ‘be there’ unconditionally . • Understanding our children’s perspective - or how they see the world - is the most important starting point in the parenting process. • Children feel more confident about the future when they start with what they already know and can do. • Strengths-based parenting is a process - a life long journey.
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