5 STAGES OF INTIMACY Dr. Jessica Higgins
THE DEVELOPMENT OF INTIMACY • Every couple goes through clear and predictable developmental stages within their relationship. • The stages are not linear, as sometimes life challenges require us to negotiate a stage again.
• No two people are alike in the world. Each relationship is going to be unlike any other relationship. • Every couple has it’s own unique expression of these stages.
MANY COUPLES GET STUCK WITHIN A STAGE BECAUSE THEY: • Do not have the emotionally strength. • Do not have the awareness and understanding of what is required of them to develop further. • Have ineffective ways of dealing with conflict. • Don’t have a model or path of successful relationship. Without a model, it is easy to worry, doubt, and want to quit.
THE FIRST STAGE: ROMANCE
THE ROMANCE STAGE • Characterized by intense attraction and an uncontrollable urge to be together. • Couples seek closeness, uncover their similarities, and begin falling in love. • It is a beautiful time of bonding, connecting, and feeling a sense of “we-ness.” • There is a great deal of passion and mutual giving and receiving.
• Partners often deny differences and overlook flaws, envisioning their mate as ideal. • They imagine that they know each other. They have a fantasy of who they are and what they will be like. • Neurochemicals, like dopamine and oxytocin, support this ecstatic state of being in love and help us form a powerful bond. • We tend to glamorize this stage and idealize it as the ultimate experience of love.
This initial stage of romance and attraction helps couples develop a powerful bond that sets the stage for a lifelong partnership. However, more elements are needed to build a solid foundation that can sustain lasting intimacy and personal growth. Usually, the romance stage lasts several months, averaging about 18 months.
THE SECOND STAGE: POWER STRUGGLE
THE POWER STRUGGLE STAGE • The romantic illusion, from the romance stage, is replaced by disillusionment because partners do not live up to each other’s fantasies. • Differences are apparent, and flaws become more visible. • Couples feel pained and panicked as the conflict and struggle does not fit into their mental framework for what a relationship is supposed to be like.
• Partners will usually resort to ineffective ways of mitigating the challenges. • Avoiding the conflict is one strategy, thinking, “if we didn’t rock the boat, things would be better.” • Trying to change the other is another strategy, saying, “if you would only ___________, we wouldn’t have these problems.” • Trying to change the self is another common approach, thinking, “Maybe if I change ___________, we will be better.”
• A high percentage of couples (about 85%) will not make it beyond the power struggle stage. • Some couples will get stuck for years and years, and some couples will seek to end the relationship. • This is an incredible difficult phase that requires people to deal with intense feelings of fear, anger, disappointment, grief, and frustration. • This is where couples mostly likely will seek therapy.
A central task of this developmental stage is finding ways to resolve conflict. Another goal of this stage is to establish differentiation or autonomy within the relationship. This stage can last several months to several years or forever (depending on your willingness and ability to overcome challenges together).
THE THIRD STAGE: STABILITY
THE STABILITY STAGE • Couples begin to acknowledge their differences. • They focus less on trying to change each other and more on trying to understand each other. • They start to develop a mutual level of respect and consideration for one another.
• Partners will find a new appreciation for their differences. • They will start to see how their differences can be complementary, and how they can learn from one another. • Partners will not see their conflicts as an inherent problem. • While they may feel some discomfort with a conflict, they will not see the conflict as threatening or catastrophic in and of itself.
• Couples view challenges and differences as part of the path of long- term intimacy. • They will look for the learning and opportunities within the relationship challenges. • They value the relationship growth, as well as their own personal growth that comes from working through conflicts together. • Partners feel more comfortable expressing their unique attributes and interests. • Respectively, they place a value on their autonomy, fostering their individual competencies, esteem, and growth.
As couples increase their appreciation for one another, personal freedom, and authenticity, they will feel more passion and intimacy together. Partners can also learn forgiveness, boundaries, and harmony within this stage.
THE FOURTH STAGE: COMMITMENT
THE COMMITMENT STAGE • Couples negotiate the sensitive balance between intimacy and autonomy more easily. • They value the importance of personal space and independence as well as the importance of closeness and intimacy. • They are more skillful in communicating and advocating for time apart and time together.
• Couples accept each other more fully. While they might not agree with their partner’s approach or outlook at times, they will honor and respect their partner’s perspective. • Together they will give space and credence for each of their perspectives. • When differences and conflicts do occur, couples will seek to understand each other more deeply. • They will work together to find mutually compatible solutions, and the couple will strive for win-win outcomes.
Commitments in this stage are genuine and well-informed. Partners have a much better sense of what is involved with their commitments and sincerely say “yes” to each other. They have the opportunity to continue to deepen their level of commitment and consciously “choose in” over and over again. In this stage, partners learn acceptance, deeper levels of commitment, and how to creatively solve conflicts together.
THE FIFTH STAGE: CO-CREATION
THE CO-CREATION STAGE • Involves a quality of synergy, where the couple’s collective effort results in an effect that is greater than the sum of their individual contributions. • Embraces true intimacy, recognizing that the power of the union is greater than the sum of its parts.
• It is estimated that only 12-15% of all couples reach this stage. • In order to achieve intimacy and mutual satisfaction in relationship, couples must be willing to become mature, and nothing forces us to accept our inner tendency to grow. • Most couples will not admit that it takes a level of investment to maintain intimacy because in the early stages of relationship, intimacy is attained almost effortlessly.
• Growth requires conscious choice and active involvement. • It takes a tremendous amount of courage, integrity, and faith to take the risk to reveal one’s vulnerably for the interest of growth. • The growth of love is a conscious choice on the part of both partners because it requires a reciprocal amount of energy invested into self and in the relationship. • They do not hold back their love and engagement, because they know that it would compromise the level of intimacy and the potential of their relationship.
In the co-creation stage, partners work well together. They are able to reach bigger goals and accomplish great things with their combined efforts. Couples might take on projects, where they make contributions to the world beyond their partnership. In this stage, partners learn the powerful effect they can have when they work in synergy.
IN SUMMARY: Knowing these relationship stages might help you tolerate some of the discomfort and encourage you to put forth the effort and dedication to overcome challenges, particularly in the power struggle stage.
“UNITY” MINDSET VS “JOURNEY” MINDSET • See relationship as a journey • Expectation that relationship means perfect harmony • Willing to talk through problems • Difficulty getting over conflicts • Thinking differently leads to • Recalling conflicts makes different ways of evaluating them unhappy their relationship
• It might seem hard right now, • Put less effort into working but things will get better through relationship conflict • Conflict is seen as a learning • Conflicts hurt relationship opportunity satisfaction • More likely to work through • More likely to split challenges • Results driven • Process driven
WHAT IF WE KNEW WHAT TO EXPECT? • Would we gain strength and skill intentionally? • Would we see difficulties as challenges? • Would we strive for growth to overcome difficulties more successfully? • Would we view our relationship from a journey mindset?
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