“Inner Peace in Times of Conflict” Rotary District 5500 November 7, 2020 Inner Peace in Times of Conflict 2020 EDITION Saturday, Nov. 7, 2020 9:00 am - Noon Today’s Workshop • What are we talking about when we say “Inner Peace”? • What disrupts our Inner Peace? – Neurobiology, Needs, and Negative Stories • What can we do to increase Inner Peace? – Name It to Tame It, Apologies & Forgiveness • Next steps 2 Center for Community Dialogue & Training, Our Family Services, Tucson AZ center@ourfamilyservices.org 520-323-1708 www.ourfamilyservices.org/center 1 of 25
“Inner Peace in Times of Conflict” Rotary District 5500 November 7, 2020 The Neurobiology of Conflictof Conflict Why is it so hard to control my reactions? Center for Community Dialogue & Training, Our Family Services, Tucson AZ center@ourfamilyservices.org 520-323-1708 www.ourfamilyservices.org/center 2 of 25
“Inner Peace in Times of Conflict” Rotary District 5500 November 7, 2020 Humans are wired for survival “Reptilian Brain” The amygdala guards the gate The Negativity Bias is part of our survival mechanism Rule #1 in the wild: Eat lunch — don’t BE lunch Your brain is like Velcro for negative 6 experiences but Teflon for positive ones. Rick Hanson - Hardwiring Happiness Center for Community Dialogue & Training, Our Family Services, Tucson AZ center@ourfamilyservices.org 520-323-1708 www.ourfamilyservices.org/center 3 of 25
“Inner Peace in Times of Conflict” Rotary District 5500 November 7, 2020 Triggers to safety When the amygdala senses a threat, it has only a few possible responses: FIGHT Flight FREEZE FAWN 8 Center for Community Dialogue & Training, Our Family Services, Tucson AZ center@ourfamilyservices.org 520-323-1708 www.ourfamilyservices.org/center 4 of 25
“Inner Peace in Times of Conflict” Rotary District 5500 November 7, 2020 The amygdala has the emotional maturity of a 9-to-18- month-old . IQ goes down Center for Community Dialogue & Training, Our Family Services, Tucson AZ center@ourfamilyservices.org 520-323-1708 www.ourfamilyservices.org/center 5 of 25
“Inner Peace in Times of Conflict” Rotary District 5500 November 7, 2020 Some good news… 90 The neurobiological response passes in about 90 seconds. Opening Activity THREE. DEEP. BREATHS. 12 Center for Community Dialogue & Training, Our Family Services, Tucson AZ center@ourfamilyservices.org 520-323-1708 www.ourfamilyservices.org/center 6 of 25
“Inner Peace in Times of Conflict” Rotary District 5500 November 7, 2020 What Triggers Us? Sometimes it’s a threat to our physical survival… …but often it’s a threat to our sense of self. The amygdala treats threats to identity as threats to survival. Threats to Identity “The strengths that have helped you to succeed are also your greatest emotional triggers when you feel someone is not honoring what makes you special.” Marcia Reynolds, Ph.D. www.outsmartyourbrain.com Center for Community Dialogue & Training, Our Family Services, Tucson AZ center@ourfamilyservices.org 520-323-1708 www.ourfamilyservices.org/center 7 of 25
“Inner Peace in Times of Conflict” Rotary District 5500 November 7, 2020 Six Core Identities Stella Ting-Toomey • Status • Competence • Autonomy • Reliability • Fellowship • Integrity Triggering Behaviors “ What are you getting so upset about?“ Adapted from Mathew McKay, Ph.D., Peter D. Rogers, Ph.D., Judith McKay, R.N Center for Community Dialogue & Training, Our Family Services, Tucson AZ center@ourfamilyservices.org 520-323-1708 www.ourfamilyservices.org/center 8 of 25
“Inner Peace in Times of Conflict” Rotary District 5500 November 7, 2020 Verbal Behaviors Guilt trips Accusations “Innocent comments” Advice Profanity Blame Sarcasm Complaining Criticism Silence Stereotyping Teasing Threats Ultimatums TONE of VOICE •Flat •Mocking SOUNDS •Cold •Patronizing •Loud •Mumbling • Groaning •Sarcastic •Tense • Sighing •Whining • Tsk-ing • Snickering • Snorting Center for Community Dialogue & Training, Our Family Services, Tucson AZ center@ourfamilyservices.org 520-323-1708 www.ourfamilyservices.org/center 9 of 25
“Inner Peace in Times of Conflict” Rotary District 5500 November 7, 2020 Body Language Gestures Movements • Shaking head • Pointing finger • Shrugging • Shaking fist • Tapping foot • Waving hands • Pacing • Obscene gestures • Crossed arms • Turning away Facial Expressions Eyes • Rolled Mouth • Narrowed • Sneer • Wide • Grimace • Closed • Tight lips • Side • Pursed lips • Raised eyebrows • Scowl Center for Community Dialogue & Training, Our Family Services, Tucson AZ center@ourfamilyservices.org 520-323-1708 www.ourfamilyservices.org/center 10 of 25
“Inner Peace in Times of Conflict” Rotary District 5500 November 7, 2020 When the amygdala is triggered by a perceived threat to identity, here’s what it does: Flight FIGHT BLAME Leave, avoid FREEZE FAWN 21 People pleasing Shut down, check out Why do we sometimes STAY triggered – even after 90 seconds? When a person has a reaction to something in their environment, there is a 90-second chemical process that happens in the body; after that, any remaining emotional response is just the person choosing to stay in that emotional loop. Jill Bolte Taylor Center for Community Dialogue & Training, Our Family Services, Tucson AZ center@ourfamilyservices.org 520-323-1708 www.ourfamilyservices.org/center 11 of 25
“Inner Peace in Times of Conflict” Rotary District 5500 November 7, 2020 Three Negative Stories And the Everybody THEORIES that explain Tells them #1 The Blame Story Attribution Theory AKA “The Fundamental Error of Attribution ” Assigning only the best and most pure motives for ourselves, while being suspicious and distrustful of the motives of others. Center for Community Dialogue & Training, Our Family Services, Tucson AZ center@ourfamilyservices.org 520-323-1708 www.ourfamilyservices.org/center 12 of 25
“Inner Peace in Times of Conflict” Rotary District 5500 November 7, 2020 #2 The Judgment Story Projection Theory Because of our pure motives, we can’t tolerate our shortcomings. We project them out onto others and accuse them of the very things we do or think. #3 The ‘I’m Right’ Story Justification Theory Creating the correct and right story that best fits our perspective. Gathering facts, evidence, & sympathizers to justify our side of the story. Telling the story over and over to solidify the neural pathways. Center for Community Dialogue & Training, Our Family Services, Tucson AZ center@ourfamilyservices.org 520-323-1708 www.ourfamilyservices.org/center 13 of 25
“Inner Peace in Times of Conflict” Rotary District 5500 November 7, 2020 Stop telling negative stories Noticing & Changing Our Negative Stories • Three. Deep. Breaths. • Acknowledge the story but turn it off until you’re calmer • “I’m telling myself that…” • Name your feelings and needs Center for Community Dialogue & Training, Our Family Services, Tucson AZ center@ourfamilyservices.org 520-323-1708 www.ourfamilyservices.org/center 14 of 25
“Inner Peace in Times of Conflict” Rotary District 5500 November 7, 2020 Feelings FEELING & Needs NEED Identifying Feelings and Needs Marshall Rosenberg Center for Nonviolent Communication Website: www.cnvc.org Email: cnvc@cnvc.org Center for Community Dialogue & Training, Our Family Services, Tucson AZ center@ourfamilyservices.org 520-323-1708 www.ourfamilyservices.org/center 15 of 25
“Inner Peace in Times of Conflict” Rotary District 5500 November 7, 2020 Afraid Guilty Angry Hopeless Annoyed Hurt FEELING Anxious Impatient Ashamed Insecure Awkward Isolated WORDS Bitter Jealous Bored Lonely Calm Lost Conflicted Miserable Confused Numb Content Overwhelmed Curious Reflective (See your Depressed Regret Disappointed Restless Feelings- Discouraged Sad Disgusted Sensitive Needs Distant Surprised Embarrassed Tense Handout) Empathetic Tired Exhausted Uncomfortable Foolish Unhappy Frustrated Vulnerable Grief Worried NEED WORDS Newness Affection Patience Appreciation Peace Balance Self- Positivity Beauty Physiological Actualization Realness Belonging Recognition Boundaries Resolution Care Respect Challenge Rest Esteem Safety Choice Safety Comfort Security Community Sharing Compassion Social Space Confidence Belonging Support Connection Time Consideration To feel heard Consistency Fairness Knowledge Independence 32 Trust Dependability Freedom Love Inspiration Understanding Excitement Growth Meaning Joy Validation Expression Honesty Motivation Kindness Center for Community Dialogue & Training, Our Family Services, Tucson AZ center@ourfamilyservices.org 520-323-1708 www.ourfamilyservices.org/center 16 of 25
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