Triggering the PNS • When you inhale, fill your lungs fully, hold for a second or so, and then exhale in a relaxed way. • Relax your tongue • Relax your eyes • Relax the diaphragm area • Imagine being in a very comfortable setting • Feel everything draining out of you and sinking deep into the earth • Breathe in such a way that your inhalation and exhalation are the same duration; for example, count 1-2-3-4 in your mind while inhaling and 1-2-3-4 while exhaling. • At the same time, imagine or sense that you’re breathing in and out through the area of your heart. Meanwhile, bring to mind a heartfelt emotion like gratitude or love. • Yawning • Think of positive emotions • Fiddling upper lip • Close your eyes • Look up 20 degrees • Put palm on forehead
E+R=O Events plus Reaction equals Outcome People are always complaining about outcomes. They see themselves as powerless victims. You ask someone to go to lunch with you. s/he says "no". Did you have someone to go to lunch with before? No. Do you have one now? No. There is no difference. The only difference is if you add something to it like "I knew that nobody likes me. My mother was right about me. I'm sure they would have gone to lunch with me if I had more confidence!" But that's all in your mind. If someone rejects you, it's because something better is for you in store. After an experience, there is a vacuum in your mind. YOU have to fill it with something positive, otherwise your mind will fill it up with old memories. 2
Understanding our Choices Be Perfect Please Hurry Up Be Strong Try Hard
Understanding our Choices Be Perfect Positives Negatives Stress caused by Stress behaviour Have a quest for May not produce work Potential loss of Becomes single- perfection. on time due to checks control, low standards minded, try to control Want to do things the for mistakes. over emotionality from situations or people. right way. Checks Find it hard to others. Arrogant or facts, prepares well delegate because Failure to achieve aggressive. and pays attention to unable to trust. goals. Task rather than detail. High standards and people oriented. May overly critical of lack rapport because others. too much focused on process.
Be Perfect Set realistic standards of performance and accuracy Become realistic about making mistakes by imagining the best and worst possible outcomes of making the mistake Make a point of telling others that their mistakes are not serious, and can actually be an important source of learning Prioritise so that you can decide which jobs really warrant high degrees of accuracy and which do not Respect other people’s deadlines by planning in advance how much detail is needed, then give the key information and stop before the other person is buried in facts and figures If working with someone else’s 'Be perfect', praise them for achievements, be punctual, keep appointments with them and do not discount their worries 5
Understanding our Choices Please Positives Negatives Stress caused by Stress behaviour Good at creating Fear of upsetting Being ignored, being Become emotional rapport and building others results in lack criticised. and illogical. good relationships. of assertion. Being told to be more Unable to say ‘No’ to Have empathy, good Become overloaded assertive, say ‘No’ and anyone. understanding and are with work from fear of stand up for Try to ‘rescue’ others willing to go out of letting others down. themselves. by helping them out their way to help Find it difficult to tell and taking on even others. others what to do. more work in an attempt to make self feel better.
Please Ask people questions to check what they want instead of guessing, and listen carefully to what they say Please yourself more often and ask other people for what you want Practice telling others firmly when they are wrong Avoid being dumped with unrealistic requests and unimportant tasks and say 'No' with authority To be respected by others, it’s important to set your own limits and priorities Learn basic assertiveness techniques Accept basic responsibility for yourself and allow others to be responsible for themselves If working with someone else’s 'Please’ driver, praise them for who they are as well as what they do. Confront them with patience and don’t lose your temper with them 7
Understanding our Choices Hurry Up Positives Negatives Stress caused by Stress behaviour Can work fast and Delays starting jobs Time to think, silence, Activity becomes more achieve a lot in a short until urgent, then in having ‘nothing to do’. frenetic. time. Responds well haste makes Agitation. to short deadlines. mistakes. Tell other people to Likes having a lot of Rushes, speaks fast, hurry up. things to do . finishes others sentences, crowds diary with appointments.
Hurry Up Plan work in stages and set interim target dates to give satisfaction and avoid rushing to completion Plan sufficient time for tasks, especially the preparation stage which is likely to be skimped Concentrate on listening well to others until they have finished speaking and avoid interrupting Consciously slow down so that others have time to absorb information Ask others about their needs rather than make assumptions. Learn relaxation techniques Be on time rather than fitting in ‘just one more thing’ before the next appointment If working with someone else’s 'Hurry Up', praise them for taking time more than for their speed or ability to do several things at once 9
Understanding our Choices Be Strong Positives Negatives Stress caused by Stress behaviour Stays calm under Dislikes admitting any Fear of rejection Withdrawn and pressure. weakness, through being seen withholding. Feels energised in a vulnerability or as vulnerable. Becomes quieter crisis. emotion. Having their and reluctant to Thinks logically when May hide difficulties weaknesses others panic. and take work home exposed. Having to communicate. Try to Can stay emotionally rather than ask for share too much do everything by detached, enabling help. information with themselves. problem solving and May be seen as others. Being openly logical thinking. uncaring and criticised. Reliable and steady. withdrawn. Don’t ask others for support.
Be Strong Monitor your workload so that you do not take on too much work Ask for help so that others have a chance to assist you. They may well have relevant knowledge, skills or time Before taking on any new tasks, review the potential requirements and check that you have access to the appropriate resources Learn to be aware of your own needs and to take as well as give. Your relationships with others will probably improve when you let people help you Create interests for yourself out of work which you can really enjoy If working with someone else’s 'Be Strong', praise them for their consideration because they are often taken for granted. Be clear about instructions and don’t force them into expressions of vulnerability 11
Understanding our Choices Try Hard Positives Negatives Stress caused by Stress behaviour Puts a lot of effort into May be more Being criticised Person becomes new projects. Well committed to trying for not caring reactive and motivated, and doing, than or being irresponsible, rebellious. enthusiastic, creative. achieving and or by being told, May sulk. Good at thinking of succeeding. May not “You’re not trying.” May take on even new approaches. stick with one project Feeling disrespected. more tasks that are because distracted by not completed. a new one. Turns small tasks into huge ones.
Try Hard Stop volunteering for every new project and find ways of planning all the stages of a task to achieve satisfaction all the way through to completion Check out the parameters of a task so that you only do what is expected Try to control your boredom with the later stages of a project. Plan how you will enjoy your success on completion of it Find creative ways of making mundane tasks more interesting Notice when you use the words “I’ll try” rather than “I will” Be willing to distinguish between the things you can change and cannot change If working with someone else’s 'Try Hard', avoid getting into competition with them. Praise them for finishing rather than for trying 13
Make peace with the fact that not everyone is going to like you—and actually, that’s okay. Learn to say no in a way that feels okay to you. (Give reasons, but no excuses allowed!) Accept that you will feel guilty when you say no to something the first few times Start setting some boundaries Give an alternative 14
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