Signs Of Relationship Abuse Intense Interest -At first this is flattering, but it is also a sign of insecurity. What fills the hole in his or her life if you no longer do? Multiple Calls Per Day -Before cell phones this was easy. Now it is more about the content of the call, not the number of calls. If it is an innocent call there will be no interrogation type questions or checking up on you type questions. Very Needy -He or she always needs re-assurance that you love him or her. Clingy -Always holding onto his or her partner as if they own them. Also constantly looking at others as a threat. Example: A guy who almost puts his girlfriend in a headlock instead of his arm around her waist when the walk down the hall. Subtle Verbal Put Downs -This often starts privately just between the couple. Simply noticing and pointing out qualities that make the other person feel insecure. Weight comments would be a good example of this. Subtle Jealousy -Mood changes whenever the person ’ s partner talks to someone that they feel is a romantic threat. This also applies to competing friendships as well. Projecting Feelings Onto The Other Person -If a person becomes jealous, they accuse the other of being jealous instead of acknowledging his or her own feelings. Twisting Words -Becoming easily offended, and always assuming the other persons statements or motives are negative and threatening. ________________________________________________________________________ Isolation -Keeping partner away from social events or previous friends. Always becoming jealous and fighting following a social event until his or her partner stops socializing because the conflict during or after is not worth the get together. Social gatherings become tension filled or embarrassing, and the partner begins to view them as not fun. Trying to Make The Other Person Jealous -Dropping hints or flirting right in front of a partner to get a jealous reaction. This jealous reaction is a test to see if they are loved or valued. Assuming Intentions -Paranoid worries about partner planning to leave, or liking someone else. Always accusing partner of intentionally trying to make him or her jealous, when it is really his or her own deep insecurity causing the feelings. Checking Up On Other Person -Showing up places unannounced, when they could have simply called to let partner know. Almost as if he or she is attempting to catch partner with another person. Blatant Jealousy -Blatant flirting in front of partner in order to try and create the out of control feelings of jealousy that he or she is experiencing internally. Blatant Put Downs -Putting down partner privately in a mean way. Not a joking backhanded compliment or flirtatious in any way. Blatant Put Downs In Front Of Other People -Continuing the behavior, but now doing it in public. Shouting And Temper Outbursts Not Directed At Partner -Losing temper at other people outside the relationship. (Extreme “Road Rage” would be an example.) Shouting And Temper Outbursts Directed At Partner -The anger starts to morph and always winds up becoming directed at partner. Even if it doesn’t start out that way.
Breaking Things General -Smashing material things in front of partner. Almost saying with his or her action, “This could be you”. Breaking Things That Belong To Partner -The violence of smashing things moves closer to the partner when he or she begins to break the possessions of the partner. This will progress until he or she is breaking items that are very special to his or her partner. For example, he or she might smash a family heirloom. Threatening To Leave Other Person -Due to his or her own jealousy, he or she begins to threaten to leave his or her partner. Again this is a more extreme version of testing the love of the other person. This is a way of reassuring him or herself that he or she is loved. The more upset the partner gets, the more they must love the person. Eventually the plan backfires, because the partner gets tired of the game, and either quits reacting, or leaves the relationship. Disappearing To Get A Reaction -Person disappears without telling his or her partner where they are going in order to get a reaction. This may be for days in some extreme situations. When he or she returns, they act as if the angry reaction by their partner is jealousy, or unjustified. This often follows the person threatening to leave. Threatening To Hit Other Person -Intimidating physical gestures toward partner, but no physical contact. Yelling in partners face, or making motions as if they are about to lose it and hit the partner in order to instill fear in him or her. They do everything up to actually hitting the partner. Physical Fights With Outside People -Getting into physical confrontations with others. Physical fights with other people. Reality shows are a great examples of abusive personalities in action. Grabbing, Squeezing, Shoving Partner (controlled )-Example: Escorting partner off of a dance floor by the arm due to jealousy, but still appearing calm and in control of him or herself. Grabbing, Squeezing, Shoving Other Person (uncontrolled )-Example: Angrily pulling partner off the dance floor. Possibly squeezing arm so hard it leaves bruises. Clearly losing temper. ________________________________________________________________________ Hitting Partner -Crossing the line and hitting partner. This is where most people think abuse in a relationship starts, but you can clearly see many previous signs were missed. Beating Up Partner -The hitting goes from hidden to almost unexplainable to others. Often the abused partner is embarrassed, and they believe the apologies and promises that it will never happen again. The abuser is almost like an alcoholic promising to never drink again. At the moment they could pass a lie detector test, but as soon as they are triggered again, the promises are broken. They often help cover up the abuse with stories and explanations. They are in love with the charming side, and fear the abusive side. Slowly over time the charming side fades and the abusive side takes over. Stalking Other Person -When the partner starts to threaten to leave, or actually leaves the relationship, the abuser shows up places unannounced. Almost as a threat. A way of saying, “I know where you are, and you can’t get away from me”. Threatening Suicide -As the abuser feels like he or she is losing the partner, he or she often threatens suicide if the partner does not return to the relationship. This is simply a form of blackmail. Some abusers truly feel as if life is not worth living without the partner, but most are simply trying to manipulate the other person back into the
relationship. The partner can call 911 if it is a crisis situation, but never go back into the relationship as the solution. This will only re-inforce the behavior. Threatening To Kill Other Person -The thoughts that often go through the mind of the abuser are: “If I can’t have him or her, nobody will”. Attempting To Kill -Abuser makes an attempt or lethal gesture against the partner. Killing Other Person -This is the reason why a significant other is often the first suspect in any murder or disappearance investigation. The following symptoms do not occur in the exact order they are listed, and they may jump back and forth between what a partner considers severe and mild. The number and severity of symptoms almost always increase over time. If you notice any symptoms above the first line your partner is definitely insecure with abuser potential, but not necessarily a confirmed abuser. If you notice symptoms below the first line, but above the second line, you may be in denial and making excuses for your partner. However, they definitely have abusive behaviors that will in most cases progress below the second line. If symptoms below the second line occur, get support, and get out of the relationship. It is very likely to become much worse. If a friend comes to you with concerns, please listen to what they are saying. They will often see the patterns before the person in the abusive relationship notices the pattern. Use the above symptom list when sitting down and talking to a person you are concerned about. Contact local safe houses, support groups, mental health centers, police, family, etc., for support if you find yourself in a relationship that is spiraling out of control. Always remember you are not alone, no matter what the abusive partner tells you.
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