Loneliness Caterpillar Confidential Green Caterpillar Confidential Green 1
What Is Loneliness? • Loneliness is an unwelcome feeling of lack or loss of companionship. It happens when we have a mismatch between the quantity and quality of social relationships that we have and those that we want . • All of us have felt homesick, bereaved, shunned or rejected by someone we care about. Loneliness is not about being shy, enjoying being by yourself or even experiencing depression… • … Loneliness is a chronic, ongoing feeling of isolation. Caterpillar Confidential Green 2
Why Is Loneliness So Important? • Human beings are social creatures. We need close social connections in order to thrive. • Feelings of loneliness are a warning that something is wrong, just like hunger triggers us to eat, thirst to drink, and pain warns us that we may have a physical problem. Loneliness is telling us that a basic human need is unmet. • Loneliness can be accompanied by significant health problems: − Lower cardiovascular health − Higher blood pressure 25% of Americans report − Poorer quality sleep − Mental health problems having no confidants. − A shorter lifespan Caterpillar Confidential Green 3
Loneliness Is Not About the Number of Friends You Have • Loneliness is the perception or feeling of being isolated, regardless of how many friends, family members or social encounters we have. • Research has shown that lonely people and non-lonely people have the same number of social interactions. • Feelings of loneliness are impacted by the quality of relationships and not the quantity . • People who report feeling lonely typically feel disconnected and unfulfilled, regardless of the amount of social contacts. • We can, literally, feel lonely in a crowd. • Having a few close relationships is better than many less meaningful relationships. Caterpillar Confidential Green 4
Loneliness Is Not About Dating, Being Married or Living Alone, But Beware… “ • Many of us live alone and never feel lonely. As more of us live alone and rely on digital • But being physically isolated can be a risk factor. interactions at home • The number of Americans living alone has and work, it becomes doubled in the last 50 years. increasingly important • More of our social relationships are now digital. to establish at least a • The numbers of those reporting chronic few in-person loneliness has doubled since 1980. relationships that are deep and meaningful. ” 5 Caterpillar Confidential Green 5
Important Reminders • Healthy social relationships are reciprocal. • If just being cared for cured loneliness, people wouldn’t feel lonely while in the hospital (and we know they do). • Fulfilling relationships offer a sense of belonging that accompanies a give-and-take—being invested in another person and having them invested in you. 6 Caterpillar Confidential Green 6
What Helps Loneliness? How about joining a club? • That probably won’t work! It’s at least not a quick fix. • Again, don’t confuse loneliness with being alone . Most people who are lonely have plenty of social interactions. • Go to any coffee shop near a university and you’ll see students “being alone together.” • Many of us are active on social media. We work in large groups. We congregate in public places. • Combatting loneliness requires the development of confidants – close relationships with people we care about and who care about us. Caterpillar Confidential Green 7
What Helps Loneliness? What about support groups? Or social skills training? • This assumes people are lonely because they have poor social skills and can’t make friends. • People who are lonely are often surrounded by people, but have no close bonds. • Even if we have good social skills, they break down when we feel lonely. • When we feel “on the outside” and experience loneliness: − Our brains engage in self-protection. − We focus more on ourselves and our own personal needs. We are less empathic and concerned for others. − We constantly search for signs of rejection. − When we expect rejection, we act in a way that pushes others away instead of using the social skills we have. − This is a downward spiral into loneliness. − Worst of all, we don’t even see it happening. Caterpillar Confidential Green 8
The antidote to loneliness is developing close, meaningful and mutually beneficial relationships with others. . . but how? Caterpillar Confidential Green Caterpillar Confidential Green 9
High Emotional Intelligence (EQ) Can Help Combat Loneliness • EQ skills are the building blocks for developing close, healthy relationships. • People with high EQ: − Are introspective − Are humble A good relationship starts − Listen and think before they speak − Are empathetic and work to understand others with good communication. − Get to know others − Are transparent and create safety for others − Take responsibility for themselves and others − Cope with stress and conflict effectively − Draw people to them 10 Caterpillar Confidential Green 10
Combatting Loneliness • Recognize loneliness when it is happening. Recognize the behaviors and the physical and emotional sensations of loneliness. • Accept that loneliness is normal. Don’t judge yourself or blame others. Accept that it needs to be taken seriously if it persists. • Understand that loneliness triggers a self-preservation mechanism in our brain that leads to unhelpful thoughts and emotions. • Respond . Remember, it’s not the quantity , it’s the quality of relationships. Don’t be passive. Make a plan to combat loneliness and get reconnected. Caterpillar Confidential Green 11
Combatting Loneliness - Recognize Recognize loneliness when it is happening. Recognize the behaviors and physical and emotional sensations of loneliness. For most, loneliness involves some combination of: • Having no one to turn to or talk to about life challenges • Feeling that others don’t understand you or share your interests • Sadness, grief or emptiness • Anger or irritation at others who are social or enjoy being • Being passive, pessimistic, shy or unfriendly around other people; passing judgement • The sensation of “being on the outside looking in” • Lacking motivation; stopping doing things you use to enjoy • Feeling isolated and alone, even when around others • Sleeping too much or too little • Withdrawing from others when you really don’t want to • Gaining or losing weight • Overreacting to even minor conflicts with others • Problems with stress management, high blood pressure or other cardiovascular problems • Anxiety, particularly around others 12 Caterpillar Confidential Green 12
Combatting Loneliness - Accept Accept the reality of your feelings of loneliness. Avoid judging yourself or blaming others for how you are feeling. All of us get lonely. When loneliness becomes an ongoing problem, it is a signal that we may need to make some changes. Failing to accept this can impact your self-perception and lead to pushing others away. Both can impede your ability to overcome loneliness. Caterpillar Confidential Green 13
Combatting Loneliness - Understand Understand that no matter how loneliness occurs, it triggers a self-preservation mechanism in our brain that leads to unhelpful thoughts and emotions that can be self-sabotaging and lead to even greater feelings of loneliness. • Withdrawing, even when opportunities to be with people arise • Assuming, with no evidence, that others will be judgmental or do not understand us • Being hypervigilant to any signs of rejection • Apathy; avoiding others or failing to push ourselves to engage with others • Lapses in empathy; thinking more about ourselves than about other people • Overreacting when conflicts arise • Pushing others away, even subtly • Discounting the people in our lives who care 14 Caterpillar Confidential Green 14
Combatting Loneliness - Respond Loneliness is a feeling, not a fact. You do not have to live lonely. Remember, it’s not the quantity , it’s the quality of relationships. Once you have identified the signs of loneliness and considered how your behaviors may be prolonging the problem, use that information to help reestablish connections with others and develop meaningful relationships. Caterpillar Confidential Green 15
Combatting Loneliness – Suggestions for Change Practical solutions: • Get active. Don’t isolate yourself or avoid opportunities to spend time with others. • Find others like you. Engage in hobbies, local clubs or religious groups. Take a class. • Seek out affinity groups, even if they are online at first. • Volunteer, especially in activities that involve serving others. • Be predictable and reliable when making plans. No last-minute cancellations. • Get out and exercise to the degree you can. It improves mood, motivation and helps connection with others. • Rekindle old relationships. • Reach out… especially when you don’t want to. 16 Caterpillar Confidential Green 16
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